Made me laugh

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

 

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

 

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ..................cola."


"Why the big pause?" asks the barman. The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

 

Equivocate

 

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down a mountain.

 

Karen's qualification certificate

 

https://metro.co.uk/2020/04/15/hoar...et-rolls-150-bottles-hand-sanitiser-12558946/

Tee hee

 

Mate of mine married a lovely girl who turned out to be a Naturist. He was never interested in doing the same,
so every year he went on holiday with his mates, whilst she had a week at a nudist camp with her sister.

First year they went their separate ways, he agreed to travel to her camp, stay overnight in a nearby hotel
and drive her home the following day. When he arrived at the resort where she was staying, he
phoned her to meet up for a coffee. He reported to the Camp gatehouse, but as he wouldn't take
his clothes off, they wouldn't let him in, so she had to get dressed and walk up the drive to meet him.

As she came into sight his heart sank. It was obvious it was quite difficult for her to walk and when
taking each bow legged step , she physically grimaced, to the point that he was really concerned as
to what she might have been up to during the week they had been apart.

She smiled and kissed him on the cheek and seeing the concern on his face, immediately allayed his
fears by saying " it's alright love. It's the camp dance tonight and I've got me curlers in."

 

Ordered my 90 year old gran a rowing machine so she can stop being a lazy cow and start earning money for the NHS.

 

IF YOU GET A LINK ALERT FOR FREE PORN, fur foooks sake dunt open it, it diaktivates ya spel chek an fuks thi ritin up, I receibed it, but luki I dunt wacth pron, soo I dint opin it, pleeese warm al thi frinds,

 

If I had a pound for everytime I thought about my wife,

I'd probably start thinking about my wife.

 

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

I got fired from the sperm bank

I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"

It might have been for drinking on the job.

 

My penis is so big that I can lay it out on a computer keyboard and it will go all the way from A to Z

 

so that's where all the bog rolls went from Morissons then. greedy fecker!