Made me laugh

A truck driver spots a young woman about to throw herself off a bridge.
He screeches to a halt and asks her what she is doing.
Committing suicide she says.
Before you do that he says " Any chance of a blow job?"
"Why not" she says and promptly obliged.
"What a waste of talent" said the truck driver,
"Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl" she said.

 

Trump has just been arrested. Apparently a bishop in Virginia has killed himself by drinking domestos. Trump’s been charged with a bleach of the priest.

 

I like one of the responses to that tweet as well

 

Donald Trump's just advised all weight lifters and people unable to get to gym, to drink Mr Muscle to stay in shape

 

My wife has just told me to pack my bags and f#ck off.

As I walked out of the the door she screamed "I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery, boredom and pain!"

I said, "Make your mind up. One minute you're telling me to f#ck off and now you're telling me to stay"

 

A similie went out for a date. It didn't go well and at the end of the night he was left wondering what he metaphor.

 

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An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of the tour he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!". The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can ...eat, and sae the Lord be thankit." The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering bl'attle. I wad be laith to run and chase hee, wi' murdering prattle." "Well," says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last." "No, no" the Scottish doctor corrects him, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."

 

I like the punchline, but the set-up needs serious work.

Where you been today love?
Been up to Scotland and got shown around a hospital, met patients and that.
Why?
Day out, they do tours.
A hospital? Full of sick patients? People seriously ill and recovering from operations? Pain and misery and death. That kind of hospital?
Yes.
And they gave you a tour? Like a tour round a stately home or something?
Yes. And I got to examine patients.
But you're a fk*cing bus driver.