Made me laugh

I ordered 4 kindles from Amazon
They sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD

 

Whilst discussing the Egyptian God APIS in a question on today's edition of Pointless,
Richard Osman said that some Egyptian citizens were sacrificed as a tribute to this
particular God and therefore, that was the origin of the well known saying :

" I'm dying for Apis." His puns are normally too corny to laugh at, but I have to admit,
that one did make me chuckle.

 

One cold winter morning a farmer woke up to find that all his cows had frozen solid. Crying out for a miracle an old woman appeared, clicked her fingers and the ice melted, restoring the cows to normality. “are you an angel” he asked. “No dear, I’m the ghost of Thora Herd”

 

Off for a pint later with mi Indian mate Sochal Distan Singh. Can't mask my excitement. His wife is coming, can't wait two metre. Can't wait for a sit down and not chat. Not be a late one tho. Promised r'lass I'll be home at 10 and for once I'm not lying

 

On a plus note, let’s be thankful Boris said “no more than six.”........yooooooo reds

 

So this goes out to all the panic buyers out there....

At 1st I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !

No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !

Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor

And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !

Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !

 

Two gay fellows, Sebastian and Claude, are on a plane over the Atlantic. Sebastian nudges Claude and says, 'how about we join the mile high club?'. Claude agrees but he's nervous, loads of people are going in and out of the WC and by the time he gets up the courage the plane is too quiet. 'they'll hear us, I'm not doing it'
Sebastian is disappointed. 'look' he says, 'lets just do it in the seat, nice and quiet. It's a long flight and most people are asleep, the stewardesses are all stood chatting'
'not a chance' says Claude
Standing up to prove his point Sebastian says loudly 'excuse me, can I get a napkin over here?`
Just as Sebastian predicted, no one pays any attention and so, reluctantly Claude agrees and they proceed.
All goes to plan and at the end of the flight they join the hustle to get off the plane. In front of them is an old gent in a bad way, white as a sheet, drenched in sweat and it seems he's been sick on himself. As they approach the door of the plane a stewardess sees the old man and exclaims 'you poor man, are you alright?'
'oh I'm fine' says the man nervously, shifting his gaze
The stewardess takes his arm 'no, no if you were feeling unwell you should have spoken up, we would've helped you'
The old man pulls away. 'not a chance, I saw a bloke ask for a napkin and the next thing I know he's getting f*cked up the ar*e!'

 

Boy in the bath with mummy
He asks "whats that hairy thing mummy"

She replies "Thats my sponge"

boy replies. " The babysitter has one too, shes washes daddys face with it"

 

Can't believe people are letting off fireworks already. Far too bloody early. The cat was so scared it ran up our Christmas tree.

 

Just to let you all know
Wetherspoons will shut at 10pm sharp so don’t go for a piss at 9:30 otherwise you’ll be ******* locked in

 

This could be a good night

 

A Yorkshireman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Barnsley baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical South Yorkshire baby boy.." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Barnsley baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig of his. John Smiths bitter wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

 

A gay friend of mine has confided in me that he has a micro penis, it's only 2 inches when fully erect, you may know him....Justin Sidebottom

 

might need to start a bit earlier than that!

 

Wife asked me if I'd stop singing "Wonderwall'.
I said maybe.......