How do you deal with bigoted family members?

Thank you, my old friend. That actually means quite a lot to me.

 

ST, the only way is as described by BigLil. If you explain things in a calm logical manner why they are racist and that they are upsetting you either they will change..... or they won't. You can't do anything about the outcome, but you will have tried your best to educate.

When I was a kid, there was a Chinese kid and an African kid in my class at school. I learnt to grow up with different cultures. I have worked with people from all over the world, from every culture of the world. I have never had a problem with anyone. A "brother" of mine was different. I tried to explain things to him but he wouldn't or couldn't listen. I haven't spoken to him for nearly 25 years now. As others have said you can't choose your family.

 

ST I'm left with nothing to talk to my uncle about other than the weather. He makes Victor Meldrew look like the life and soul of the party. Barnsley could be Barcelona and they'd not be good enough so football's off the agenda, politics is no go, work is a no go he hates my career choices, family well he thinks I'm posh for leaving the village and travelling the world. No hope really, so I watch the weather forecast before any family gathering to kill a few minutes lol!

 

Just buy them a Boris Johnson face mask. Then it all falls into place...

 

Accept what they say. Show an interest and then ask 'why'? Why do you think that? There has to be a reason. Keep asking 'why'?
.

 

They're usually old. Save your breath and just wait for them to die off.

It just takes a bit of time.

 

Dont mean to sound offensive, but how come you aren't? Maybe look at that in order to challenge them?

 

To be fair, with a name like that it was only ever going to go one way.

 

I just sent you a conversation message. There are some things I don't want to say on the forum, as you'll understand when you read it.

 

It's a tough one because the vast majority of racists know it is wrong, they will just never admit it. They're not daft. They know it makes no sense to generalise about millions of people. They know appearance and accent mean nothing. If they are from Barnsley they probably know what its like to be discriminated against over accent. They will know countless people of whatever race they are against who are well educated, clever, talented, hard working good people. But they have locked common sense out and entered denial. The only hope is always calling them out, never validating their behaviour and always debunking the malicious and idiotic scaremongering that goes on social media.

 

Cracking post, it's generally those that then feel alienated because of their entrenched views. It's strange situation because the downtrodden then attack other groups who are also negatively affected. It's sad because they don't realise they've got more in common with other races than they have with their own.
We're all worker bees at the end of the day, some have more yellow than black and vica versa

 

I guess but I if I wouldn't choose them as friends to be around then I wouldn't be around them as family either. I haven't spoken to my brother in around 12 years (not because he's racist, or at least I don't think he is, I don't speak to him to know). If you really don't want to cut them out then I'd be extremely clear to them that they must never express those opinion around me or I would end the conversation and leave - and then stick to it. Then if they continue it's clear that they don't want you around so again they're not nice people and sod them if they are doing it on purpose. There was an incredibly racist, homophobic kid at school with autism and there was literally nothing we could do to change their mind as they were unable to empathise with others in any capacity. I had to settle with telling them that it was not acceptable for them to express those views and there would be consequences if they did. They presumably still felt the same way but no-one else was subjected to hearing it.

 

Just as a little aside of lot of people who have Autism do not like to labelled as "on the spectrum"
As sadly it's use has become a bit of a insult, I'm not suggesting you used at that way at all btw. It just stood out to me when I read it.
My 10 year old doesn't like being labelled at all actually, he says "everyone else is different to me" which does make me chuckle and appreciate perspective is everything.

 

My father in law sounds just like your uncle DCM. One of the most embarrassing things ever to happen
to my wife ( his daughter), my Mum in law and myself occurred on a day trip to Eden Camp before we then
called in at a restaurant in the Shambles in York for a meal.

It was his birthday and as my wife's Dad is ex-RAF, having visited ourselves a month earlier, we decided
to take him to look round Eden Camp. We had a great day and to save preparing anything once we returned
to Donny, we volunteered to treat Mum and Dad to a meal.

Once in the restaurant, everything was going swimmingly until they brought the meals to our table. Unbeknown
to myself, I didn't know that due to their cruelty towards Allied troops Dad had a deep rooted hatred of the
Japanese. He was reading the sweet menu as the waitress put his main course in front of him. He looked up
and having spotted that waitress was Eastern looking promptly stood up and made for the door, saying he would never eat
anything given to him by a " Nip". He popped his head back in the door to encourage the wife's Mum to join
him.

We were starving and stayed long enough to finish and pay for our meals. He never stopped talking about
it all the way home and no amount of my wife telling him he was racist for insulting a lass who had all
on to be nineteen and turned out to be Chinese, could or would ever convince him that he was in the wrong.

 

Thank you. I purposefully don't say 'an autistic person' as I don't want that to be the defining factor. I would normally say 'a person with autism' but in this case I was going to say that they are very high on the spectrum but that wasn't the correct way to say what I meant and I wasn't sure how to express it so I deleted the beginning bit and didn't change the rest for some reason in my confusion. I've edited it to make it a bit clearer and to get rid of that term.

 

Back in the nineties, after a long spell of being distant from that side if the family my Uncle convinced me to come and work for him. For the first time since I was a teenager I was closely involved with them.
My Uncle ran true to form. He was a bombastic bully whose staff worked in fear of him and is the guy who automatically binned job applications from anyone with a non anglo saxon name.
My cousin and her husband commented one day on how disgusting it was that Sharron Davies (white swimmer) had married Derek Redmond (black athlete).
My Aunt sat and told me that black immigrants were of sub intelligence and bred like rabbits.
Having never engaged with their political views before I was staggered and disgusted. I tried to challenge them on it and work round the issues where possible but after about a month I just couldn't do it any longer, told them what I thought and walked out.
Never seen them since other than to have one explosive row with my cousin in Meadowhall a few years after.
As has been said, you can't choose your family. Good riddance to them.

 

Don't worry I know enough from reading your posts you would put more thought into it than most. It's very hard to put into words sometimes isn't it. I myself have been guilty of using the "high functioning" to describe my son when talking to certain people as it must saved a longer conversation.
As a rule we tend to talk about levels support they need.
The problem is people using "on the spectrum" or "must be autistic" as insults.

 

Sorry mate I can't accept that. I've come across many racists 20 or 30 years younger than myself.

 

I got to know Derek really well as he (like me) started bike racing in his forties and we were in the same stable. He’s a great bloke, very friendly and not a bad rider . It makes me so sad that there are folk like that in anyones family, to think stuff like that, how on earth do people form views like that about folk they dont even know.

 

I tried to give my Uncle and Aunt the excuse that they were born in the 1920s/30s. No excuse for my cousin though. But in the end I just couldn't accept it.
The thing is my Mum died when I was five and I dread to think she was like my Aunt. My Dad was a kind and gentle soul though so I prefer to think she was like him.
The disgust in the voice of my cousin when they were talking about a mixed race marriage absolutely shook me. They were intelligent people and I just don't get how anyone with intelligence can square those beliefs in their head. Some things you just can't forgive.