Great put downs

One of my old school mates got his US citizenship this week (I know, great timing eh). Anyway, he put it on Facebook and my dad replied:

"Congratulations, by moving you've increased the average IQ of both the US and the UK"

Obviously all said with affection, but still brilliant.

 

I think I saw that on fb and it made me laugh, we must have a common friend - is his surname a compass point?

 

My friend's is, yes

 

That has been committed to memory and will be used at an opportune moment.

 

Haha. His wife's American and their first plan was to settle here but its ridiculously difficult. He's been out there a long time now. He's built a great life for himself but still part of him misses home.

 

my best one to our lass during a row ,her saying "you think your so smart don't you, but I am always one step ahead of you, don't forget", without thinking I just went "well remind me to go stand on the edge of a cliff then", it was ace she could not go, was stunned into silence for what seemed like an age, but then summoned all her mastery of wit and repartee and went "fukc off you fat get "

 

More of a comeback than a put down, but at school a teacher told me "stop blowing your own trumpet" so I responded "believe me sir, if I could do that I wouldn't have left the house this morning." He looked like he was about to bollock me for a second and then pissed himself laughing.

 

Fuzztones opening for the Damned 85 ish. Was there.
‘We might be *******, but you just paid £5 to see us.’ perfect.

 

‘Get your hair cut’ -
‘What? & look like you?’

 

As an 18 year old (honest) I remember being in a rather lively pub which had bouncers. Some silly spat developed over whose turn it was on the pool table. In discussion with the bouncers one of my pals was asked, “Are you trying to be clever?” His reply was, “I’m not trying to be clever, I am clever.” We all got chucked out for that but it made the evening far more memorable than another game of pool.

 

I remember hearing Greg James say that on prime time Radio 1 a few years ago and nearly crashed the car

 

That’s brilliant...not as good as yours but still amusing...whenever in a cafe my dad would order his coffee and then while holding his chest he’d often say “i really shouldn’t be having that with what I’ve got” then when the waitress thinking he’d got some kind of illness would ask “oh why love what you got?.” ....He’d hold out 10p

 

The Aussie bowler Glenn McGrath asked Zimbabwean batsman Eddo Brandes, "Hey mate, why are you so fat?" Quick as a flash Brandes replied, "Because every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit."

 

Not a put down but a quick comeback. A really good friend, a barrister, was questioning a witness in court. Bearing in mind lawyers are told ,don’t ask a question to which you don’t know the answer. He asked the witness “have you lived in Sheffield all your life ?” The reply “Not yet”.

 

I would engage you in a battle of wits.... but I never fight an unarmed opponent

 

Just in case anyone is wondering, I am not Greg James.

 

I wasn’t...he’s witty...sorry couldn’t resist considering what this threads about , yeah yeah I know it wasn’t great

 

Lots of cricket examples like this!
Shane Warne: "Daryll, I've been waiting years for the chance to embarrass you again."
Daryll Cullinan: "Really? It looks like most of the time you spent eating."

 

In Dennis Lillee's autobiography he said he always used to get at the batsmen with “I can see why you are batting so badly, you’ve got some **** on the end of your bat”. At which point the batter would turn his bat over to see. Then Lillee would say "Wrong end mate!"