Made me laugh

My neighbour knocked on my front door this morning at 2:30am. Can you believe it? 2:30am!!

Luckily for him, I was still up playing my drums.

 

Less funny if the receptionist is male.

 

Sheffield United confirm that the remainder of this season's home matches have been moved from Bramall Lane to the Crucible Theatre, as they now need snookers.

 

The bank rejected the loan application for my new table top business.

They said the idea has no legs

 

My grandad was a Kebab shop owner and when he died, he was buried with the tools of his trade.

He must be turning in his grave.

 

Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him.
The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks into them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!!
Really weird if you ask me.
Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley because of a drug overdose..
It's never nice hearing of someone's death, but on the bright side, washing machines do last longer with Cal gone..

 

I wonder if people in Spain watch the foreign property buying programme "A place in the p11ssing rain"

 

Dead chuffed today, I went to WH Smiths and bought a whole book of raffle tickets for £2.50...usually they're a pound a strip!

 

How do you start a milk pudding race?
Sago

 

My Mrs bet me that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

 

THE LONE RANGER

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of our celebration of the Spirits of the Forest, you will be executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, listen very carefully for....the....last....time I said.....


"BRING POSSE"

 

I was an accountant from the age of 20 until the age of 30 when I was sacked for no reason.

What a waste of 15 years.