Made me laugh

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
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Look for fresh prints.

 

Frank Lampard has spoken about his sacking... He said ‘Friends and family are everything, when I got home John Terry was already there comforting my Wife Christine on the settee, they were both red faced and breathless with emotion’ Frank said ‘I’m still not sure how John found out about my sacking so quickly’

 

Valérien Ismaël , Mikel Arteta, Jurgen Klopp and Steve Bruce entered a pub. Valérien bought them all a drink. Once they had finished, Arteta got a round in. Then Klopp put his hand in his pocket. Then Steve Bruce got the beers in.
Once they'd all consumed 4 beers, Valérien went to the bar, bought a drink for himself only, and sat at the table. They all looked at him before Arteta said "Excuse me Valérien. What about us?"
Valérien looked at them and said, "Sorry lads. This is the fifth round and none of you are in it."

 

Guy buys a new car but takes it back to the garage the next day.
What’s wrong asks the salesman.
Well see that hill over there? I can only get up to 60 he says.
60? That’s good says the salesman.
Aye says the guy but I live at 93.

 

This guy had his settee nicked. "I'm not going to take this sitting down" he said.

So he went to buy another one. Sofa, so good.

It was a recliner, so if he doesn't like it he can take it back.

When he got it home he discovered a TV remote stuffed down the back. "Wow, this changes everything"

 

It WAS a conspiracy!

 

Just over two weeks to go before our FA cup tie with Chelsea or as Abramovich puts it only two more managers to go .

 

I wanted Lampard to get sacked after we beat them. That would have been funny

 

A lonely young cockle decides he would like a girlfriend and makes his way to the ocean disco to get lucky. He is immediately captivated by a young, bright red prawn, swishing about in the water. When he approaches he is immediately told to 'f@@@ off'. A little startled he composes himself and decides to chat to a good-looking whelk, all alone by a rock. he approaches and asks for a dance but is informed that 'I'm waitin' for me boyfriend'. The cockle has similar bad luck with a young clam and is also turned down by a fresh looking shrimp. He wanders off to sit by some seaweed somewhat disheartened but just as he thinks nothing will happen he goes and pulls a mussel.

 

It's just been reported that Swampy, the well known ecologist/environmental campaigner has died after a massive heart attack. He was rushed to hospital last night with severe chest pains but when told by doctors he needed immediate surgery he refused to have a by-pass.

 

Guy walks into a deli and sees for sale Sheffield Wednesday trifles.
He asks what exactly they were.
The assistant replies, same as an ordinary trifle but without the hundreds and thousands.

 

No millions and trillions!