Made me laugh

An average limbo dancer walks into a bar.

 

Somebody nicked all my limbo dancing gear....I mean, how low can you go

 

Just filled the escort with diesel.

She's now dead.

 

My mum always used to say that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman.

Terrible surgeon though.

 

Have you ever heard a pterodactyl on the toilet?

Of course you haven't.

The p is silent.

 

A gingerbread man has failed in his attempts to swim across the English channel


He said he would have made it had it not been for the terrible currents.

 

When life gives you melons.


There's a good chance you have dyslexia.

 

A perfectionist walks into a bar.


It seems the bar wasn't set high enough.

 

Just filled the rover with diesel.


Currently at the vets.

 

Bought myself a 12 year old scotch.


I don't think her mum and dad will be best pleased.

 

My nickname at the club is the love machine.

I really should stop going.

I'm terrible at tennis.

 

A landlord is just about to close down the pub and all of a sudden a big white rabbit in a suit turns up at the bar and says 'I'll have a pint and something to eat. What you got?'
'Well,' says the startled landlord who has never seen a talking rabbit before 'We still have pork pie, I can do a ham and cheese toastie or we have a bit of stew left over'
The rabbit picks the ham and cheese toastie, eats his meal, drinks his pint and is gone.
Next day there is a media intrusion and the pub is full. Late into the evening the rabbit appears again, suited and upright. 'Hi, can I have a pint and one of those ham/cheese toasties please?'
The talking rabbit is served and he retires again.
Next night there is a big media presence, the pub is packed and the landlord is overwhelmed to see how well his pub is doing. Sure enough the rabbit turns up and asks for his usual.
'Sorry' says the landlord 'we've no ham left, I can do a cheese and onion toastie if ya like..'
The rabbit reluctantly has his cheese and onion toastie and disappears.
Next night the world's media is there eager to see the talking, drinking rabbit. Alas the rabbit doesn't show. Next night he doesn't show up and the following night he doesn't appear. Takings at the bar are down, customers don't turn up. The pub reverts to its empty typicality.
A few weeks later the landlord is tidying up late at night after a poor turnout from punters. All of a sudden he sees an apparition above the bar. The ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent the bar is hovering above the bar....
'What the hell is going on here?' says the landlord ''Youve not been here for weeks, are you dead?'
The ghostly rabbit sighs and says 'Yes I'm dead. I used to enjoy coming here but you killed me with your food'
'Me, how, what did I do? says the landlord.
'Mixing me toasties'

 

A man from Sheffield has stunned friends and family by making plans to marry a woman who isn’t a relative, and doesn’t even live on the same street.

Brandon Pickersgill, 22 is set to tie the knot with mum of three Britney Hardcastle 18 , who was brought up nearly three quarters of a mile from his house on Pickup Crescent. The couple have been forced to hire a larger than usual venue for next months wedding reception because incredibly, they each have their own friends and family.

“I know people will think it’s a bit odd “ said Brandon ” because there are four free lasses on our street already, including my Auntie Julie who just got divorced and my half sister who’ll be 16 in a couple of months,. Folk are saying that should be enough choice for anybody but I met Britney when we were both haggling over some slightly out of date skunk in Hillsborough market, and it was love at first sight.”

Bullmastiff owner Britney, who recently won a national competition to find the woman who looks most like her dog, takes up the story.

“I’ve seen people looking and I know they’re pointing the finger but we dunt care. Everybody knows about the rumours that we’ve probably got the same grandad. You’d think that would be enough but apparently not because nowts been proved. It’s not as if he’s marrying somebody what dunt speak proper dee-dar like I duh”

Brandon’s family are still struggling to come to terms with his decision. “It’s going to be hard having a stranger in the family “ said dad Dean who followed local tradition by getting his cousin a tattoo, and pregnant, just before she took her mock GCSE’s, “Who’s going to watch out for their kids when they’re out on the piss or out of their skulls on weed? They’re going to be living three streets away, and there’s only a bus once a fortnight. It’s madness.”

 

This bloke said to me, “ I’m going to smack thi round the head with the neck of this guitar”
I replied. “Is that a fret.”

 

People collect charity money for owt these days.
This here woman was collecting for herself, for reconstructive vaginal surgery. After the damage caused by having 8 kids. She was Stood int tarn with her bucket rattling.

 

On a similar vein.......

Ginger Spice has let herself go