Made me laugh

Bloke on the right, muttering under his hand. “Kin hell ginger. Tha’s let thi sen gu,” with the thought. Would I .(still)

 

The man who ivented Tetris died recently.

At his funeral at the moment his coffin was placed in the ground everything else in the grave yard disappeared.

 

2 middle aged ladies decide to leave their husbands at home and go out on the lash.
At the end of the evening they're walking home when they both need a slash so they nip into a nearby cemetry.
Having no tissue to wipe themselves one decides to use her knickers whilst the other pick up a nearby wreath.
Next day one of the husbands rings the other and says "That's the last time I let mine out on the lash, she came home without any knickers!"
"Well mine had hers on" says the other "but she had a card in her crack saying 'Thanks for your service, from all the lads at the fire brigade' "

 

From the Yorkshire Herald : Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the 'Ink It Good' Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

"It was a big job in more ways than one", he told us "I'd just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It's delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my *** and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire."

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

"To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realise she was wearing one. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the wiser."

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

"I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don't know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that. It's dangerous"

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant.

"I'm still in agony," she said, and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn't have had a *** on the go when he's doing close up work, there's no way I'd guff on purpose. He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning, and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance – it just quietly crept out."

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn't surprised when we asked him to comment on what had happened.

"People just don't appreciate the dangers," he told us. "We get more call outs to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan 'Flame 'n fart – keep 'em apart' Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future. On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery."

 

Parcel Delivery companies FED EX and UPS are to merge, it has been revealed on the news today.

The new company will be known as FED UP

 

Whats wrong about that? Very comforting!!!!

 

I once saw a headstone that read "here lies a politician and an honest man."

I wonder how they fit two people in one casket.

 

“Brace thissen woman.”

 

That had to be explained to me!