Made me laugh

Monica asked Bill Clinton if he could spare her a few dollars, but Bill said he thought he’d splashed out enough on her already!

 

Nasa’s Perseverance rover has arrived on Mars only to be forced to quarantine in a shitty hotel.

Nasa has successfully landed its latest rover on the surface of Mars. However, before it can start gathering scientific data it has to quarantine in a hotel for ten days.

“Due to Covid, Earth is one of the travel destinations on Mars’ red list,” explained Nasa’s Simon Williams.

“We weren’t too concerned at first because the Martians call everything ‘red’ but it turns out that all Perseverance’s experiments have to be put on hold for a week and a half.

“Unfortunately, the only hotel near the Jezero crater is a Travelodge.

“It actually took ages for Perseverance to send us a message saying it had landed because first it had to pay for the shitty Travelodge wifi.

“It won’t even be able to send us any images because the connection speed is capped at 0.5 Mbps.

“Credit where it’s due though – the Martian Covid response seems better organised than the British. But the situation is still very frustrating.”

Perseverance itself is struggling to hold it together.

“This is going to cost me the best part of two grand!” it told reporters.

“And I bet those ******** back home won’t let me claim it on expenses.

“I wouldn’t have minded a shower after my seven-month journey. But the water in the Travelodge was cold, the pressure was terrible and I’m pretty sure that’s a semen stain on the shower curtain.

“Ah well, guess I’ll just sleep through it – there’s no sunlight in this room so my battery will die soon anyway.”

Isn’t the elephant in the room here that there’s intelligent life on Mars running a hotel?

“Yeah, but it’s a Travelodge,” said Professor Williams.

 

I took a Scouse girl back to my flat and she was happy to "engage in an intimate session" with me. Anyway, after we'd stripped naked, I asked her to cup my balls in her hands and lovingly massage them for ten minutes before... well, the main act. During which I gave her a massive orgasm. And after that I told her I was up for more if she would only cup my balls in her hands and lovingly massage them for another ten minutes. And then we went at it again, and I gave her another massive orgasm. She was clearly gobsmacked, and asked me, "does me massaging your balls really make you deliver like that!?" I looked at her in the eye and said, "The last time I slept with a Scouse girl, she stole my wallet."

 

A police officer has just knocked on my door and said he's looking for a man with one eye.

I told him he'd stand a better chance of finding him if he used both eyes.

 

I bought a new thesaurus, and it’s terrible.

Not only that, it’s also terrible.

 

eBay is pretty crap these days. I searched for lighters and ended up with 25000 matches.

 

Arlene Foster has been awarded £125,000 damages for unfounded claims she had an affair with a bodyguard.

The bodyguard got £1million.

 

Was she looking for her phone.

 

I've learnt that saying "Oh, this old thing?" isn't an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.

 

Boris looks well for wedding

 

Mrs Johnson looking a bit rough around the edges.

 

The strange happy couple