Made me laugh

A German lorry driver in a pub in Liverpool gobbing off about how lazy the British are, he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, over to Liverpool and back to Hamburg in two days.

The old Scouse fella mutters.......'**** off lad, I used to pick up my load in Liverpool, drop off in Hamburg and be back in
Liverpool the same day!'

The German trucker snorted and said..'oh yeah, what rig were you driving?!'

The old fella replied....... 'a fuckin LANCASTER BOMBER!'

 

A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard. "I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia. He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me."
"He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."

 

Never date a Tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

 

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the golf ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women just never listen !

 

Teacher: How much is a gram?
Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

 

What do you call a Fly without wings. ?
A walk.

"They say some people 'inhale books'. I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He's a heroine addict."

 

Delivery driver knocked on my door and said "I've got a parcel for next door" I said "you've got the wrong house then"

 

Travel companies are desperately waiting for news today of the countries to which they can drastically increase the price for a holiday the very instant that they are placed on the green list for travel.

With the government due to deliver its latest travel advice later today, bosses at some of the UK’s largest travel companies are patiently waiting to triple the prices for thousands of destinations across Europe and the world, depending on where we are allowed to go.

A spokesman for one firm, who refused to name his employer, but confirmed that it had ‘Jet’ and a number in its name revealed, “Yeah, it’s all set up, we just need to hit the button, and the prices will double. Simple.

“Obviously people are desperate to go abroad, and we are more than happy to take advantage of that, by charging extortionate prices, for a ***** one-bedroom apartment in Malta.

“And people will bleeding well pay it, because they’re desperate. It’s an absolute piece of piss.

“The prices are already sky-high as it is, so I don’t think people notice really, especially if we put that ‘only one apartment left’ pop up on everything like we always do, it’s easy.

“Now we just need to wait for an announcement later today, hit the button on the Internet, and watch the money roll in.”

Asked what will happen if no new holiday destinations are placed on the government green list we were told, “Oh, in that case, we are absolutely ******.”

 

Nicola Sturgeon has confirmed that there’s no specific reason for banning people from Manchester from going to Scotland, she just doesn’t like them.

Describing Mancunians as being ‘like Scousers without the house training’, Sturgeon told reporters that Covid was giving her the excuse to do something she’s had on the to-do list for a while.

People from Manchester will be prohibited from travelling to Scotland for as long as Covid outbreaks last, or even longer if at all possible as a result.

”Whenever a train from Manchester Piccadilly arrives at Glasgow Central house prices in the area drop by up to fifteen per cent and I’ve got an airB&B I’m trying to offload,” Sturgeon added.

However, Manchester mayor Andy Burnham hit back at the First Minister and said it was all because she once went on a hen party in the Northern Quarter and nobody tried to chat her up.

”This was back in the 90s, and there probably weren’t enough drugs in Manchester at that point for that to happen,” he clarified.

A spokesman for Number Ten said that on the one hand such restrictions are an outrage, but on the other hand, Salford.

 

Tenements started it …

 

Just read an article on how to teach kids to put their shoes on the right feet. It made me realise that I had been putting my working boots on the wrong feet for years,,,,,, they should have been on our lasses!