Made me laugh

I'd just sat down with a nice cup of Tea, then the wife came upstairs - can you have a look at this luv....... Then my Mum rang to give me a list of things she wants doing......

 

Love this and what’s more, you could have another 3 or 4 done with different persons each time from this govt

 

I would buy this T-shirt is it for sale anywhere?

 

"My wife's father said if you marry my daughter I'll give you three acres and a cow. I'm still waiting for the three acres."

 

a little girl, keeps biting her nails, her mother said "Stop biting your nails, because you know what'll happen to you," said, "What'll happen to me?" she said. "You won't half get fat - if you bite your nails." She said "Well I won't bite them any more, Mum" Her mother took her shopping, got on the bus, and there's a feller sitting in the corner of the bus, weighing about 20 stone. And she said "Mum, I'll get like that won't I" She said "You'll get worse that that - if you bite your nails" Said, "Well I won't bite them anymore." And after shopping they get on another bus, and there's a blonde sitting in the corner. She's carrying a bit of weight as well (pregnant). And the kiddie kept looking at the blonde and the blonde kept looking at the kiddie, and the blonde, couldn't stand it any longer, so she said - to the kiddie, "Do you know me?" and the kiddie said, "No - but I know what you've been doing!"

 

Life after Toy Story

 

A local bye law was passed which said that traffic had to park on the left side of the road on odd days after 6.30am and on the right side on even days after 6.30 am.
Every morning the wife got up at 6.00 am and rushed around in order to move the car to which side was required.
Rain, fog, sleet or snow, she would get up to do the necessary moving.
One day she said to her husband " You have to do something, I cannot keep getting up so early every day, it's getting me down ! "
The husband thought for a moment then said " Why not just leave it in the garage? "