Made me laugh

That should hold it.

 

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"

 

True Story think lil or one of his explorer friends can back me up.

lils mate spent 2 yrs searching in the jungle for a lost tribe called the Fakar wee . After those 2 yrs elapsed he decided to call it a day and collected all his belongings. On heading out of the jungle summat caught his eye. Just a short distance away he saw a couple of pigmy’s Jumping up and down in the long grass. Shouting. “Weer the fuckarewe”

 

Did you find this joke in the iron age settlement in Wombwell wood?

 

In a reversal many deemed impossible, oddly cheerful European officials have told Brexit minister Lord Frost that they would be delighted to give the UK all it wants as long as he goes to B&Q to pick up some tartan paint, left-handed screwdrivers and a long stand.

The seasoned negotiator managed to get the last-minute concession after a marathon session, as explained by his spokesperson, Simone Williams.

“Honestly we thought they would laugh us out of the room at first. The idea of a government that can’t abide by a treaty it demanded, negotiated and signed, then trying to persuade the EU that it can be trusted with an ‘honour system’ for trade seemed like a non-starter.

“And for the first hour, it felt like we would be told to f**k off and then we’d just use that to blame EU intransigence for empty shelves in supermarkets.

“But one of them just sullenly said we could get what we want if we changed the turn signal fluid in his car. And of course we just pounced on the offer. Then everyone started smiling and adding demands which we agreed to because we’re magnanimous in victory.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to receive the printed treaty from the EU. Apparently, they have a new fingerprint sensor system and to open the case I have to pull the courier’s finger.”

 

Where does one weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie.

 

A dwarf walks into a Doctor's
"Doctor, it's my fanny. It's really sore. It hurts when I walk but the strange thing is it only comes on when it's raining"
"How is it now?"
"Fine but it's dry outside. When I booked the appointment it was rainy and it was murder!"
"I'd best take a look"

So he hoisted the dwarf up onto the couch and went to investigate.
"Nope!", he said,"All looks fine to me. You'd best come back when it's raining"
Two days later the heavens opened and the dwarf waddled bow-legged into the surgery reception.
"Can the doctor have a look now, please? I'm in agony!"

So he got her straight in, lifted her onto the couch and had another look.
"Oooh, that does look sore", he said, "NURSE! SCALPEL!"
The nurse passed him a scalpel and the dwarf closed her eyes and waited for the pain.
She could hear him slashing away with his blade but there was no pain. It's gonna hurt any second now, she kept thinking but then the doctor piped up, "FINISHED!"
The doctor then asked her to take a little walk round and see how things felt.
"It's a miracle!", cried the dwarf, "No pain at all! What have you done?"

The doctor replied,"I've taken two inches off the top of your wellies!"

 

Hands touching hands .......
Reaching out .......
Touching meeee ......
Touching youuuuuu ........ So good… so good … so good …are you singing yet !!!!!

 

This was surreal....Yesterday I was in Barnsley and found myself behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed in ice. Oops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called the BDH Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck."

 

I failed a Health & Safety course at work yesterday. The crucial question was 'What steps would you take in the event of a fire?'. Apparently the answer wasn't......
'Fookin large ones!'

 

Another Olympic one.

 

Man arrives home from the chemist and informs his wife he bought some Olympic condoms.
Pack of three in gold silver and bronze.
Unimpressed his wife says well wear the silver one tonight.
Why is that? He asks.
Well I’d like you to come second for a change she replies.

 

Tin hat on..