Made me laugh

Just walked out of asda There was a woman crying her eyes out saying she’s lost all her holiday money. Felt so bad for her so gave her £50. Don’t usually do things like that but I’d just found 2 grand in the car park…

 

I went into Sports Direct on Tuesday and asked for some condoms and KY jelly:

"We are a sports shop." Said the assistant.

On Wednesday I asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, some anal beads and a gimp mask.

"We are a sports shop." Said the assistant.

So, on Thursday, I went in and asked for some love eggs and a whip.

Always with the same reply.

Today as I went in, the assistant took me to one side and said. "Mate, you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing you know we are a sports shop, what the f*ck do you really want?"

I summoned up all my courage took a deep breath and said. "Can I have the new Dundee Fc home shirt?

 

A bloke was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands. A fairy godmother asked him what the matter was. He said “I loved my pet hamster and it just died ”. The fairy godmother said “Well I can’t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation”. The bloke asked “How do I do that ?” The fairy godmother replied “Go home put the hamster in a pan and add a bag of sugar. Heat the pan up stirring well and simmer for an hour. Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden and see what happens”. The bloke did exactly as she suggested. The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere! He ran back to the road where he’d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the bloke how he’d got on. He said “It’s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!” The fairy godmother replied “That’s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam!

 

I mixed up my sleeping pills with my viagra. Just off for 40 wanks..

 

I'm glad someone else knows this joke. It is another one I first heard in the last century. The current Mrs DR has banned me from telling it any more.

 

Meanwhile, inside the box, Schrödinger's cat plans its revenge.

 

Fair enough I suppose

 

During the 2012 olympics I noticed some people were jumping over this athlete, Jan Kowaki. Didnt think much to it but it seemed bizarre. However in 2016 I noticed that some were bounding over this Filip Randowski bloke who was tying his shoelaces. I forgot all about it but behold in the 2020 olympics this poor athlete on the floor, Aleksander Kowalinski, was getting in the way of people who were just jumping over him. I thought about it and eventually realised all these athletes I thought were rude were actually pole vaulting

 

A man received the following text from his neighbour:-
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your Wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, I've been getting it more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, was devastated.
A few moments later, a second text came in:-
"Damn predictive text! Sorry Bob, I meant 'Wi-Fi' not 'Wife'.

 

Well today marks eight months without drinking a drop of juice, fizzy drinks or any alcohol.
Eight months without eating bread, pasta, cake or anything sweet.
Sugar has been eliminated, as has caffeine. The change in my body has been fantastic, I feel great, I have lost loads of weight and my way of thinking is very positive.
No alcohol, eating extremely healthily and above all, a couple of hours of exercise daily!

I don't know whose status this is, but I was so ******* happy for them, I copied and pasted it

 

Can't believe he pulled that stunt twice