Made me laugh

BBC News Exclusive -

A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Metropolitan courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity would maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the social services officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Arsenal FC whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone this season

 

Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank, he was a monster.

 

Looks like a shít remake of The Matrix

 

NORTHERNERS

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!

 

This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators support group.

Turns out it was tomorrow

 

Did you know that the person who invented "Knock, Knock" jokes has won the Nobel Prize?

 

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "You drive, I'll man the gun".

 

You're lucky, it always sells out on a first come first served basis. I was actually once invited to give a speech at their annual dinner. I asked the organiser what the dress code was. He said just come in your pants, that's what we all usually do.

 

Late one night Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetery

Hearing a tapping sound he becomes frightened and quickens his pace

The tapping becomes louder and now Jack is scared out of his wits

Then he notices a man chiselling on a tombstone, and relief floods through him

“Thank goodness!” Jack says to the man, “You gave me a real fright there!, but why are you working so late?”

The man doesn’t turn round, but pauses his chiselling

“They spelt my name wrong”