Made me laugh

The other night on the weekly Russell Howard show was the first time I have seen Andrew Bird. Apparently he supported the arena tour of Michael Mcintyre which is huge praise indeed to be highly regarded enough to be offered that role. Very funny five minutes he did.

 

After having their 11th child, two Liverpool fans decided that was enough, as the Social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Birmingham, Middlesbrough , Manchester and Sheffield...................

 

Get him signed up as he knows where the net is

 

Just when you thought you'd seen everything it was possible to see on a football pitch...

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

 

Mrs DR got a job in an Orange Juice factory last week. She got the sack after a week, she couldn't concentrate.

 

What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?



Light blue.

 

When Halloween goes too far:

 

Cheap to watch, resulting therapy for the kid costs a fortune!

 

And another just to try and lighten the mood a bit..

 

One from SOTS this morning:

after a meal a woman asks her partner to clear the table.

He had to take a long run up but he managed it.

 

I've stopped sleeping at weekends my wife says it's unhealthy but I told her sleep is for the week.

 

Diana Ross tried shoving in front of me in a shop yesterday, I said, you can’t hurry love! You’ll just have to wait.