Made me laugh

Where does kylie minogue get her kebab’s from?……………

Jason’s donner van

 

The fella doesn't even know who the team his club have drawn are.

 

I accidentally kicked my dog and it bit me in the bo!!ocks.

My mate said "it's Karma"

I said "No, if anything it seems even more angry"

 

Thankfully, for me, this is all a very distant memory!

 

Grey tarmac and blue tarmac are talking about how hard they are in the pub over a pint.... blue tarmac boasts he'd kick the crap out of anyone he's so hard
All of a sudden the door flies off its hinges, in storms red tarmac... blue tarmac dives under the table cowering!!!!
After downing a pint, red tarmac storms out. Grey tarmac asks blue tarmac why he ducked under the table if he was so hard????
He replied.... are you mental??? You don't mess with him he's a right cycle path!!!!!!

 

What a ******* shambles I've only gone and mixed up the Valentine cards.
Now my girlfriend thinks I love her and my wife thinks I want a shag

 

You know you are from BARNSLEY if:

* You define Summer as three months of bad coal picking.

* You can make sense out of the word Asthagorowttegivus.

* You have ever gotten frostbitten and suntanned in the same week.

* You identify a Sheffield accent as "Southern".

* You know what "twocking" is.

* The "Big Five" means LYONS CAKES, S.R. GENT, SLAZENGER, SHAW CARPETS & WOMBWELL FOUNDRY.

* You know that a bag of spice is something kids eat.

* You were brassed off by the movie "Brassed Off."

* You got a passport to go to Leeds.

* Summat to Eight is a meal, not the time of day.

* You know that Jump is a real place.

* A Chip oil and a Bug oil is a grand night owt.

* Eastern Promise is a blind date in Doncaster.

* Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a miner next to your Leylandii.

* A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend yomping up the tips with the rotweiller.

* You think a warm winter coat is Thompsons Waterseal

* You have to go to Tenerife to get a tan in August.

* You have caught a fish in the Dearne and it glowed in the dark.

*Your idea of a cruise ship is a tin bath in the Dearne, and your idea of a foreign cruise ship is rowing boat on Elsecar Reservoir.

*You can pronounce "Alhambra" but can't spell it.

*You can consistently be the second or third person to run a red stop light.

* The major question when the Barnsley Chronicle runs a restaurant review is "What’s a restaurant?"

*The rest of the review is about how Barnsley got all cosmopolitan when Burtons sold out to Ronald McDonald

*You judge a cafe by its black pudding and gravy.

You visit another town and they "claim" to have Barnsley Chop -- but you know better!

 

Actually I've got suntanned and frostbitten in the SAME DAY.....

Years back on holiday in Tenerife, flight back on Monday afternoon - drove straight to Oakwell for a Monday night game. From 22 degrees C to -2 in about 8 hours

 

Pinched off FB
A man sees a sign outside a house in Barnsley: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined MI5.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at South Yorkshire Police to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
“A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden!"

 

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….
“You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
“Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you?”
“Well, here it comes!”