Made me laugh

They'd never climb the ladders!!!

 

I bought a book on how to use a ladder.

it is a step by step guide.

Courtesy of SOTS this morning

 

I used to be Managing Director of a leading ladder company until I got asked to step down.

 

Don't know what he expects the ref to do. Doing a Morais isn't a bookable offence.

 

UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The Russians have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the ********.” They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”
The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. They have also started wearing their reversible coats.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

Too soon ?

 

That reminds me of shopping in Nottingham the day we beat Southampton 4-3 in the Prem, had to stop at every shop window with TVs to check the score.

 

I remember working in Dixons in 2002 during the Japan/Korea World Cup. We had a 42" plasma TV at the back of the store priced at £12,999 and we came in early to watch some of the more interesting games on it.

 

I've got a joke!
I walked into a pub and there was a line of people waiting to punch me.





That's the punchline.

 

I woke up this morning to find someone had painted the word LEWL on my front door.
I rang the police who agreed it’s well out of order.