Made me laugh

Looking for a couple of gallons of petrolwill swop for a doctors appointment

 

Little Johnny goes to see his Grandad, to ask him about his experiences of the war for a school history project. After talking for ten minutes Grandad can see that Johnny is bored so to liven things up says "If you promise not to tell your Grandmother and keep quiet I'll show you a bullet!" "Wow" says Johnny, "You've got a real bullet?" So Grandad show's little Johnny the bullet, after carefully inspecting it he turns to the old man and says "do you have any other memorabilia?" Grandad smiles and tells him "I've got a revolver." "A REVOL..." "SSHhhhh! Johnny, don't let your Grandmother hear." whispers Grandad. "Sorry Grandad" replies the boy "I was excited. Where do you keep the revolver?" "In my old artillery box with the grenades." smiles Grandad. "GRE--" squeals the boy. "Sshhhush lad," The old man warns, "your grandmother won't be happy about me showing you weapons." "Can I see the grenades?" "Yes" answers the old chap, pleased to have his grandson so interested, but still wary of his wife. "I suppose you'll want to see the the rifle too." "A Rifle!" Breathes the boy, "oh Grandad where is the rifle?" "With the machine gun." Confesses the old man. "A MAC... machine gun Grandad?" the boy states incredulously. "Where's the machine gun?" The old man looks up and replies "In the loft behind the tank..."
"A ******* TANK!!..

 

My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a while now & has picked up a few tricks. The other day I came home to find her dressed in her 'magician assistants' sexy outfit. Suddenly she said "Abracadabra" and my best mate Dave stumbled out of the wardrobe stark naked. Poor Dave, he didn't have a clue what was going on!!

 

Reminds me of the Boss of a workplace who the workers noticed had left early .
So the workforce decides what’s good for the goose and all that decided to all go home early .
One of them when entering his home found no signs of his wife .
He goes upstairs to get changed and hears grunting noises from the bedroom , he quietly opens the door to see his boss on top of his wife.
Shaken up by this he goes back downstairs and goes to the pub .
Next day same happens boss leaves early so workforce start to clear up to go home except for the bloke who’s house the boss was in .
Aren’t you going home as well asked one of his colleagues?
Not likely he replied , he nearly caught me yesterday .

 

Larry was visited by god. God said to get into heaven you must give up beer smoking & sex. God said he'd be back in two months. When God came back, Larry said that he'd given up beer & smoking. God asked about sex, Larry said he did his best but last week he saw his wife bent over the freezer & took her there & then. God said 'They wont be too happy in heaven'. Larry said 'They weren't too happy in Wath tesco's either!'

 

I’m looking for a woman that loves to suck but not swallow…..I need her to help me steal petrol

 

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

 

An man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

Ha ha

 

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking greyhound For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.
"Yes," the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The greyhound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Edinburgh airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bxxxxxd. He's never been out of the garden !!!

 

Day 254 without sex…..went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

 

A Barnsley bloke and an American aid worker are helping out in a tornado disaster area.
Yank says, "Where you from buddy?"
He sez, "Grimethorpe pal,
Yeah "What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
He sez, "abart same as this ******.