Made me laugh

Two wpc dog handlers on the beat one says "I'm cold I left my knickers at the station."
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!!..

 

After being sentenced to two and a half years, Boris Becker asked.."I'm sorry, how many months is that?"
The Judge replied.."30, love."…
BECKER FANS: Whilst your idol is banged up, send him some grouse, a badgers home, and a box of Swan Vesta so he will always remember his good times when he had game, set and match.

 

I've have some racing Geese for sale.
Please let me know if you would like a quick gander.

 

A Naval Officer and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. He gets up and goes to the door where a very drunk sailor, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"No chance," says the officer, "it's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some darn drunken sailor asking for a push,"... he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's three in the morning and pouring down!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two sailors helped us? I think you should help him, you should be ashamed of yourself!"
Doing as he is told, the officer sighs, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the officer.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the officer.
"Over here on the swing!"..

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man
carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could
take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away?" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash,
the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration." And with that,
he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all trace of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've
got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my
electricity this morning."

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion...Marion..."
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...I'm a rabbit on Wath golf club"

 

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer
an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered
for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose
what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had
received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along
with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed,
'Where Are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands

 

I had to go to the doctor’s today for my annual check-up, he said to me "Bossman you really need to stop masturbating." When I ask, "Why?" He said , "Because I'm trying to examine you"

 

Sheffield Wednesday1Sunderland 1

 

Just seen a young lad crying, turns out he’d lost £100 so I gave him £20 out of the £100 I’d found, felt it was the least I could do after my good fortune.

 

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks. "To take away the pain," sobs the little girl. "What do you mean?" the teacher asks. "Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a ***** in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

Monday
Tuesday
LEAGUE ONE AGAIN
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday

 

And the Football League have just announced there will be no Wednesday matches in The Championship next season

 

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire engine ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled " BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

 

Teacher: "What's that you're drawing Rebecca?"

Rebecca: "It's a picture of God."

Teacher: "But no one knows what he looks like."

Rebecca: "They will in a minute."