An elderly neighbour with dementia - guidance required

Southwark.

I tried social services first. They advised the couple had to trigger assistance themselves. No wriggle room. I then rang ageing well southwark, which ironically bounced through to the same woman I'd spoken with before... awkward! I was in a massive queue with dementia uk so tried Age UK instead. After a 15 or so minute wait, the woman was quite helpful but essentially said if we see him wandering the streets again, we have to call police as thats the only way it can be escalated given we've no relationship with them.

That just doesn't seem right in any way shape or form, but it seems the next avenue is to try and befriend the lady and see if we can offer assistance or signpost her through age UK, which might act as a less scary gateway than the womans worry they'll put him in a home and she'll be on her own. I mean, that may be where it ends up in time, I suspect it will, and I can't imagine the anguish, guilt and worry she must have. Though my mum cares for 2 of her friends parents who both have dementia and my wifes father has parkinsons, so I have witnessed it to a very minor degree.

Frustrating beyond words.... but I don't give up!

 

Adult social services is about helping adults , just as children's SS is about helping children. It's not all to do with abuse. They will send a social worker to talk to the family and see what support they require. As to whether they get that support, unfortunately that like so many things, is down to funding.

 

well done!
I would approach the neighbour who is probably as concerned as you and ask if she knows if the couple have any children/close relatives.
If the neighbour knows there are relatives I would approach the wife to get their contact details and I would contact the relatives myself.) Maybe a good idea to get the name of the family doctors and ask for their advice ??
The problem you have is you will be told by various organisations that as you're not related etc. no information can be passed to you and they may even take the view that they don't have to listen to you - appalling situation - (o/t recent child abuse/murder cases concerned people contact Social Service but were not listened to as they were not relatives.)

 

I had a feeling that was what might happen. It's sad how things have to escalate before notice is taken. Basically if the old chap stumbles across the police or ends up hospitalised someone will act.

 

It was a little while ago - but starting to hear so many similar stories that sound similar now that it’s scary and my wife’s grandparents are heading down that route too, thank you for asking.

It’s all exacerbated by the lack of funding in social care leading to very little help or support.

 

Whatever you say.... you will not make me blush! ;-p

It's very frustrating though. There are 4 of us on it now to try and find a gateway for the woman to access some form of assistance that doesn't terrify her. My wifes volunteering to speak with her later and I'm just putting together some form of pack to the most salient points of accessing some of the easier forms of help so she can read through it later and it doesn't overface her, whether thats today, tomorrow or a week from now.

 

Contact your Ward Cllrs, they can refer you immediately to the Council Stronger Communities Team. ( that's Doncaster's name, I assume BMBC will bw the same). Adult safeguarding is fundamental and written in stone these days, they should take the case up straight away.
Edit, sorry just assumed you were in Barnsley...Southwark should have the same setup, perhaps a different name...your Cllrs should know.

 

Thanks for that. My councillor is useless. I've had lots of dialogue with her about a couple of issues and after initially seeming keen, she's completely gone to ground. Very disappointing and sadly she got re-elected recently.

My wife has had a bit of dialogue with the immediate neighbour over whatsapp and we seem to have a line of attack to try first, but good call on the councillor. If initial efforts fail, I can certainly add something else to her pile of unresolved matters!

 

DW , your Cllr has a legal obligation as a Cllr to address the case, don't waste your time with a phonecall, put it in an email for the record...you could... if you wanted to up the ante, CC in the Council's CEO and Chief Legal Officer.

 

it is a very difficult situation, even if you are family & have POA as to getting help. My Dad has some great care in his own home via the NHS & the subcontracted service that provides nurses. (Right Care in Barnsley). He doesn't help himself most of the time & things are very frustrating and demoralising. He will end up being in a home I fear, despite all our best efforts to encourage him to listen. He won't. I have every sympathy for anyone in the same situation, but can't praise the nurses at Right Care enough. They do care, big time.

 

http://www.dementia-barnsley.info

 

Thanks for that, thats a really good idea and I'll mention it.

I'm due to go round with my wife shortly when she finishes on a call. The plan being I have a chat with him while my wife speaks with his and runs through the support we've found (and a document we've put together of all the contacts, steps and questions, together with our contact numbers if they ever need anything) and if they need us to be around while they call any of the numbers, we can do that too.

It does sound similar, she said the other day that she'd just been in the bath when he went for his wander, so I'll definitely mention it to them. Thank you.

 

This sounds like the best way forward, and the offer of help will surely be appreciated. As others have said, you and your wife are good people, and the world is a better place when people like yourselves look out for one another, for neighbours, and don't turn the other cheek. I hope the chat goes well this morning, and I hope they can get the support they desperately need. Nice one DW.

 

It didn't pan out as we hoped earlier, so we just asked if they were ok or if they needed anything and said we'd pop by a bit later when WE had a bit more time if that was convenient for them. So we're going to try again late afternoon. It's certainly obvious the poor woman needs some help, but I'm worried she's going to be too proud or scared to accept it.

But thanks for your kind words.

We were chatting yesterday (me and the missus) and we got quite annoyed, that so many things that should be important just don't get given budget or priority. And as a result, we've found ourselves doing more and more. Weekly donations to foodbanks, charitable donations, lobbying the council to support the local park and stop destroying it in bird nesting season, volunteering to help create a veg patch for local residents. It shouldn't be down to people to be the final safety net for all these things.

 

It is a complicated situation - do they have any children/close relatives - have they appointed Powers of Attorney ?

The husband I would guess would qualify for Attendance Allowance (2 levels) as indeed would the wife. Possibly the wife herself has medical issues and would qualify for the Allowance. This Allowance NOT means tested
Relevant forms can be downloaded.

Also suggest that any credit cards are out of the husbands reach.

Is there a local day care centre where the husband could go a couple of times a week to give the wife a break. Or somewhere where the husband could go for respite care?

From your posts it sounds as if the wife is understandably completely bogged down and in that state it's very difficult for her to do anything positive.
I guess the challenge for you is to convince the wife that there may not be many options but something has to be done.

 

Sorry to hear that, though not unexpected. The woman must also be in a state of confusion/mild panic, and some people either don't want to be a burden on others (perceived burden), or they are private people and want to try and deal with things themselves, despite the obvious fact they need outside help. I imagine it gets worse as you get older as you have a whole lifetime of dealing with your own business/problems, and as you say maybe pride is a stumbling block for her. It's understandable but frustrating, especially given the real danger her husband faces when he ventures out alone. You and your wife have done the right thing in my view, the offer is there if she wishes to take it, and at least she knows she has someone nearby who genuinely cares if she finds herself needing someone and being suddenly too desperate to not reach out.

As for the other things you mention, it's a sad state of affairs. Unfortunately many, especially those in power, care more about money than real people and communities. They will stand on a stage, or in a meeting, and talk of all the wonderful things they have done, but the reality is often very different; empty words. Well done for taking a stand though, and for caring.

 

We'll get there. Just have to time it right and gain trust. They have a neighbour to one side who seems keen to help too, so with her and her partner and us, thats 4 people who can lighten the load a little for them before trying to get more social car support. She seems very able, but clearly just struggling with it all, so even if theres just someone to spend an hour with him while she pops out and has a bit of a break or to do shopping or whatever, then thats a start.

It's funny actually, for quite a few years, we've kind of looked out for him without looking out for him if that makes sense? He'd walk by with a big co-op bag to do his shopping, and either be wearing flip flops/sandals with a suit and jacket and a big sort of stetson hat, or he'd have a really bright colourful patterned silk like suit (I think his wife has African ancestry) so a little like their Sunday best. So we'd often watch him slowly walk to the shops and keep an eye out for him coming back. And if we passed him, just have a little chat and exchange pleasantries. Seems a lovely guy, just all a little sad.

 

Its tricky knowing the situation as we're a lot of doors up and on the opposite side, so we only know them as we've been on the street a long time as have they, so have just crossed paths and seen them (him especially) about now and again.

The slight complication is the immediate neighbour who is also concerned and willing to help only moved in a few months ago, certainly within the last year... though time seems to blur a lot nowadays! So she hasn't seen if anyone comes and goes too much, so the only info we'll get is from source it would seem.

Fingers crossed later on is a better time and we can make some tentative steps. Thanks for chipping in though, really appreciate it.

 

In your locality there will be a day care centre for people like your neighbour. Even if the guy isn't interested in going it may be useful to get in touch with the organisers - it may be voluntarily run and the people running it will be aware of what is and what is not available and how to move things forward. Local knowledge useful!