Made me laugh

Her name was Olive. She was a Strawberry blond. She was a real Peach. A hot Tomato.The Apple of his eye. She had nice Melons. His name was Herb. He was a fungi. He had a Plum job, paid Celery. They went on a Date. He was cool as a Cucumber. He said "Lettuce run away together." She said "I'm sorry, I Cantaloupe right now."
And then he tried to Spice things up a bit. He touched her Melons. She accused him of Grape. He was in a pickle. She was Raisin Hell. Her eyes began to Leek. She called 999 on her BlackBerry. The CherryTops picked him up. A jury of his Pears convicted him. His appeal was Squashed. He was Beet. Mango to jail. Doing hard Thyme. He was Artichoked. He was out of his Gourd. He went Nuts and Bananas. But then, he Figured: "I Yam what I am. Keep calm and Chive on. When life gives you Lemons, try to find some Peas..."
Hey, I know it's not Romeo and Juliet. It's just a little food for thought

 

And that’s Shallot

 

Three Blunts fans are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.

John Street Blunt says, "Those are deer tracks."

Woodhouse Blunt says, "No, those are fox tracks."

Manor Top Blunt says, "You're both wrong! Those are badger tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them...

 

In the 60's my old man was bass guitar in a band called The Hinges.....they never made it big, but they did support The Doors.

 

1. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

 

One from Viz

 

Why is it that when wimmin do it, in pubs and nightclubs eg, nobody bothers about it.
But when I also goto the toilet in pairs (pears), I get thrown out of the fruit n veg shop.

And let me give credit to Gary Delaney ehh, for that joke comment lol.

 

Wife says … “ Our decking is cracking “
I replied “ Good “

True story

 

After working all week I've finally finished my creation, made it from an old coffee table

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
13. Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. I stand at the back and ting.
14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
17. I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
19. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down
26. Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.
Mum: Is it common?
Dad: It's Not Unusual
27. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.

 

RAIL UPDATE: All Tory gravy trains running as scheduled.

 

How many Boris supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, he tells them he's done it and they all sit around in the dark clapping

 

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.
She said “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

 

"Can I have a not coffee please."

 

Stallone: I’m making a movie about great composers. I’ll be Mozart

Van Damme: I’ll be Beethoven

Bruce Willis: I’ll be Schubert

Schwarzenegger: Forget it guys, I’m not saying it