Made me laugh

Beautiful in Tarneriffe today

 

A woman with small breasts buys a finely carved mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.

The next morning, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my boobs size 44."

There is a flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions.

She runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

The husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor."

There's a flash of light, and both of his legs fall off.

 

As it’s so hot I asked the Hermes delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. When he said yes I dropkicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space for him

 

Get rid of cricket into Room 101!!.
It made me laugh though, especially the bit about Going for gold lol.

 

Chuff me it's been that hot to day ..I saw a tree chasing a dog ...

 

Believe me that is NOT a Gary Delaney one liner.

 

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet."

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks, " Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, " well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in an online chat-room.
Then I set up a date via E-mail with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You've got male!"

 

If this keeps bumping back to the top its going to get annoying!

 

ACIDO ...LOL
I know it's one of mine that I wrote In the early 90s when I was working in mallorca....the flip side of it ...its been that cold today I've already chipped 3 dogs of a lamp post LOL

 

Lee Mack knows how to tell a good story.

 

And Greg Davies tells a good story too.