Made me laugh

Lister to Red Dwarf!!, we have here in our midst a total smegpot.
(and Craig Charles says eating the cigarette is one of the most stupid things hes ever done lol)

 

I dated Kate Bush once and treated her to a meal.

She ordered 2 bottles of wine, a caviar starter, lobster main, a knickerbocker glory and a chocolate cheesecake for pudding. She then ordered coffee and a brandy.

I thought blimey, she's running up that bill...

 

They say that the average man ejaculates at 20mph.

I'm clearly not average then...

My new girlfriend has been with a lot of guys and according to her, I definitely cum much quicker than all of them!!..

 

I have honestly got no words to describe this

 

Twin granbairns, cum to stay an one of sez, Teacher teld me off for writing an essay about the dog, r said wot, how cum, she said they wer exactly the same word for word, granbairn sez, Miss its the same foookin dog, Boom Boom.

 

Nope, even Google translate couldn't help me

 

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A FINAL NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED
DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH??. .. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...
...TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"

 

Retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to Plymouth docks once more for old times sake.He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best he can for a guy his age.The old sailor asks "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies "Well Sailor you're doing about 3 knots." "3 knots?" he replies, "Whats that supposed to mean?" She says "Your knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your fuckin money back."

 

Cant believe it, driving home from watching Lionesses and i hit a badger, the wife said its still alive, r said pick it up an sit it between ya legs, she said its wet and it stinks, r said well hold its foookin nose then,

 

Adolf Hitler, Arnold Schwarzenegger (sorry they’re Austrian) Michael Schumacher, Albert Einstein, Franz Beckenbauer (not Ferdinand), Ludwig van Beethoven, Angela Merkel, Sebastian Vettal, Boris Becker, Steffi Graf, Hugo Boss, Karl Lagerfield, Erwin Rommel, Claudia Schiffer, johannes Brahms (not List), Franz Klammer (not Ferdinand & he’s also Austrian too), Jurgen Klinsmann, Otto Von Bismarck, Lieutenant Hubert Gruber, Herr Otto Flick, & all the Bayern Munich team of 2012 (even the non German ones) …. your ladies took one hell of a beating .

 

Took Cats Medication by accident dont ask Meeow

 

In the words of the late, great, Sean Lock, that's a challenging w*nk

 

Here's Jase Bent, and I really think we should sign him and get rid of Dev Cole.

 

Well they'd better reduce the speed limit to 18mph or there''ll be a lot of messy car interiors to clean up

 

Heres how Jeff Stello and the rest should do it, on Sky Soccer Satdy lol.
And hey, I wonder why they made the bitter jealous alchy character, a McScotch man ?.