Made me laugh

A recent study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to develop psychopathic, murderous traits


And people who order a quad shot, non fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims

 

Just been thrown out of Granbairns Prom night, told me to dress to kill, apparently, a Turben Beard an a rucksack was'nt what they had in mind,

 

I've opened 3 birthday cards and I'm already £150 up, I love my new job as a postman.

 

Do you deliver in wombwell?

 

Bloke sat in a pub when a dishevelled punter walks through the door ,
Eyup said the bloke what you been up to ,
“Well “ said the punter there a Ford Fiesta parked round the back of the pub in a dark corner and there’s a woman with no clothes on laid in the back giving it away for free to anyone who approaches , there’s no satisfying her .
So the bloke goes to the back of the pub and sure enough could just make out the woman in the back seat ,
So he approaches and sure enough she surrenders to his advances ,
After a few minutes he sees a policeman approaching the car and he says to the woman let me do the talking .
The policemen aprosches and shined his torch into the car to reveal the naked man and woman in a compromising position .
Allo Allo Allo what’s going on here then ?the bloke said it’s ok officer I’m just making love to my wife .
The officer looks at him and says ok sir that’s alright I didn’t know it was your wife ,
To which the bloke replied “ neither did I officer til you shined the torch on her face .

 

Innocent English couple on holiday in the Brecon Beacons having a walk in the Welsh Countryside ,
From a distance they see a farmer stood behind a sheep looking flustered ,
The English bloke innocently shouts to the farmer “Are you Shearing it “
To which the farmers replied “ No! Get your own .

 

Met a lovely lass at a party last neight,
r said you remind me of my little toe,
She sez wot small an petite,
No, i'll probably bang you on the table later, wen i'm pissed

 

Just bin to loo, an caught mi one eyed monster in mi zipper, God it hurts, just thrown mi zip up boots in the bin.

 

This quiz micky take out of the Germans and the French and the Italians, always makes me laugh.
(I wish they would bring back KYTV, and I always used to have a thing for her, Helen Atkinson Wood, because she made me laugh on it)

 

Reminds me of a bit of advice a colleague once gave me. "In the hot air balloon of life, some people are just ballast."

 

Obviously faked, way too old for him!

 

Heres Archiebald Gemmill lol, and this is a brilliant World cup memory, from '78.

 

Wales, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous...

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.

 

a joke about my home-town.......

WALES SECOND AIRPORT

The Welsh Assembly announced recently the opening of Wales's second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil.
The first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross-Atlantic flight from America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited that they raced to meet the flight, as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years.
The return journey to America was due for departure at 12.30, but it was delayed because when the pilot went to the aircraft he found it up on blocks and stripped to the bone. As a result every house in the Gurnos now has a new hall carpet, every lounge now has a reclining chair, every bed has new pillow cases, and Mrs Bowen who is living on the end of the street has a new number for the house, number 747.

 

I bought a Welsh boomerang once,,,,,it didn’t come back, but it sang about coming back!

 

My wife and I were at the coast last week, she was relaxing reading the Exorcist novel she said it was the worst book she had ever read, so evil and scary that she could not finish reading it and threw it off Skeggy pier into the sea, that same day I purchased another copy waited until she went to bed, made up a pint of saltwater in a glass and poured it all over the book crept through the caravan and placed it on her bedside cabinet then waited to hear the screams! needless to say, she didn’t find it as hilarious as I did