Made me laugh

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

From the Small Ads

£100 Reward for lost dog.
Black Labrador, 4yrs old, only 3 legs and 1 ear...recently been castrated.
Answers to the name of Lucky.

 

This is not at all funny.

 

Superman soaring above the city, looks darn an sees Wonder Woman laid bare legs a kimbo, thinks fookin hell i'm in ere so swoops like a bullet, penetrates her and its over in a flash, Wonder Woman sez wot the foook was that, an the invisible man sez fooook knows but my arse is sore.

 

Ahh this brings back memories, of how not to buy rubbers in the mucky pub bogs.

 

My Dad fought Darth Vader. True story. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Prowse

Brian Glover was Dad's agent at the time.

 

Many a true word....

 

A lad comes home from school with two black eyes:

His dad says. "What the **** have you been doing?"

Lad: "A boy hit me with a piece of wood!"

Dad: "You should of stood up for yourself son. Did you not have anything in your hands?"

Lad: "Yeah... his girlfriends tits!!..

 

Last night I got drunk, so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and socks. The lot! I crept up very quietly and it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the bloody bus to Rotherham

 

Expensive for a lamp but works well.

https://monsby.com/

 

The Three Musketeers Football Club have had some good pre-season results…

4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-4

 

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman!
You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency,
here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie!
Where the are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit!"

 

Wee Hughie was awakened by a noise in his parents' room.
He went to their door and, wide-eyed, watched them having sex.
"Dad? What are you and Mum doing?"
His startled father kept his cool. "Well, you know how you want a baby brother?" "Yeah." "Well, I'm a putting a little brother into Mum for you."
"Oh. Okay." Wee Hughie went back to his room and Dad was pleased with his on-the-spot answer.
The next day, when Dad got home from work, he found Wee Hughie crying. "What's wrong, son?"
"Dad! Ye know my little brother? that you put in Mum ?" "Yeah?" Dad nervously replied.
"This morning, the postman ate him!"

 

I was walking through Mexborough today, when I was stopped by a representative from Aquafresh Toothpaste.

She said, "Did you know that the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?"

I said, "We're in Mexborough love, the average person only has 30% of their teeth."

 

my son got his gcse results today
English- c
maths- u
history- n
science- t
he is going to apply for to be a leeds fan