Made me laugh

While attending a Marriage Weekend in Barnsley with his missus, owd Nobby listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..'
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Nobby leaned over, touched his wife's hand gently,
and whispered,
'Self-raising, in't it love?'
And thus began his life of celibacy..........

 

I dont think my wife loves me anymore,
I was sat on the sofa watching TV when i heard my wife shout,
"What would you like for dinner my love?... Chicken, beef or lamb?"
“Thank you, I'll have chicken"
She replied " You're having soup you fat *******, i was talking to the cat"

 

I was playing football for my new Sunday league team and I was playing badly. So the manager shouted at me saying. Start playing better or I'll pull you off at half time. To which I had to reply Cor it's much better here, at my old club all we got was half an orange

 

I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said, "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court."

I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and now it's all kicked off here!!..

 

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him …..

“Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

She paused for a minute, tracing her fingers in the ashes, then said, “Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

Again she paused for a few minutes, and whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes …….”

 

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

 

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”

So we stopped playing chess.

 

The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family

 

Rodney Marsh said that to Alf Ramsey... he never played for England again.

 

Went to Meadowhall today and need a toilet so set off to find one sharpish. The signage is poor and hard to spot but eventually I found a reyt sh*t oil, only it turned out to be the Sheffield United club shop...

 

A Sheffield bird in a Taxi lifts her skirt up and shows the driver her ***** and says,"Can I pay with this?"
The Taxi driver looks at her and replies,"**** me love,have you nothing smaller?"

 

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

Reminds me of the one where the teacher says to little Johnny “ if i had six sweets and you had four sweets and I took two away what would I have ?”
“A ******* fat lip” says Johnny .
Or
Teacher asks class to come up with a sentence containing the word contagious,
Little Johnny puts his hand up
“Yes Johnny “ says the teacher
We’ll miss my dad brought me to school today and on the way we saw a workman filling a big hole in the road with a little shovel and my dad says it’s gonna take that contagious”.

 

A gnarled old Barnsley coal-miner told his favourite grand-daughter his recipe for a long life. The secret was to sprinkle a few grains of gunpowder on her porridge every morning. She followed his advice faithfully until she died, at the age of 103.
She left behind her twelve children, twenty grandchildren, thirty great-grandchildren, twenty-eight great-great-grandchildren, and a twenty-foot hole where Barnsley crematorium used to be

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the lads

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m, a bit worse for the wear, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 'Midnight."

She didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, and then said "Oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Africa String-and-Weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"
Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."

 

BREAKING NEWS!
A lorry carrying snooker equipment has shed it's load on the Dearne Valley Parkway.

Police are reporting cues in both directions.