Made me laugh

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later
he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.....

 

A woman of advanced age visited her Doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.
"Oh bejaysus doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"
"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me there and then, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"
"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, Doctor...
I'll never be able to show me face in McDonald's again!"

 

Watching the London marathon, I am inspired.... to reach for the remote and turn the telly over......................................................I can't believe how racist people are in London. There's hundreds of white men chasing a black man over tower bridge #London

 

Abbreviated club names. It was bound to happen to somebody..
Dawson will totally wet himself at thissen..

 

Heres old bent nose Brucie talking about his sack-bonuses lol.
He lost 32 out of 29 games, and keeps using his tried and trusted 1954 style tactics.

 

I get many will find this too serious to laugh at, but what the hell,

 

Two Men at the Airport.
"I Can't Find My Wife".
"I Can't Find Mine Either, What Does Yours Look Like?"
"She's 5'10" Tall, Blonde, Big Tits, Long Legs, Mini Skirt, Stockings, High Heels & A Boob Tube, What's Yours Look Like?"
"**** Her, We'll Look For Yours!"

 

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.He looked at her slowly then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks...... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His left eye is still swollen, but the doctor has informed him that he is likely to see things much clearer in the future!!!!!