Made me laugh

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven......................... The man says he'll try.............. God visits the man a week later to see how hes getting on...................." Not bad" says the man "Ive given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer I had to **** her up the arse!!!!" "they dont like that in heaven" replies God............ The man says "There not too fuckin happy about it in Morrisons either!!!!!!"

 

3 parrots for sale. £200, £100 and £15, a woman asks "y is that parrot so cheap?" the shopkeeper replies "bcus it used to live in a brothel" the woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says "Fck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. 2 daughters come home, parrot says "Fck me new prozzies" the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says " fck me, its Kippa!!!!!!!"

 

My mate Ray was in the armed forces and taking his first parachute jump,he said "when I got to the door I couldn't jump". The huge instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says 'If you don't jump Ray you're gonna get this right up your arse.".
I said, 'Did you jump?' Ray said, 'A bit, when it first went in.'

 

Apparently St George was made a saint for having the courage to stand up to a big scary dragon...
Fair play to the fella I tried that once and had to spend the next 6 months in the spare room!!..

 

Can't beat a good Quantum Theory joke.

 

What do Mexicans call a Catholic handgun?
Epistle

 

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry."

 

I just bought my daughter an ipad, my son an ipod, myself an iphone... And the wife iRon. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with iwash, icook and iclean network. This sadly triggered the iNag service, which in turn wiped out the iShag function!!

 

A couple were on their honeymoon:

Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" Says the wife.

The husband says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

 

A man went to Gynecologist's surgery in barnsley, south Yorkshire having seen an ad for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Naturally interested, he went in and asked the Receptionist for details.
The Receptionist pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. "
"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Plymouth"
"Is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

 

A Rotherham bird in a Taxi lifts her skirt up and shows the driver her ***** and says,"Can I pay with this?"
The Taxi driver looks at her and replies,"**** me love,have you nothing smaller?"

 

Not often you get to include ambushes in your tactics