Made me laugh

Bagsie I play right wingback (playing left to right).

 

Driving grandson back to barnsley t'day an a dildo fell off the dustbin wagon we were following an hit the windscreen, grandma feeling embarrassed said, oh my god that was a big isect, wow said the grandson i'm surprised it was flying with a **** that foooking big.

 

My 1st girlfriend split up with me because she said I was obsessed with football. I was a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

 

Police have just reported an explosion at the local cheese factory. De Brie is everywhere.

 

Yes it’s strange how people perceive you with your dress. When I was in my workgear I was regularly referred to a a proper Count which I thought was flattering.

 

Sorry went tits up for some reason

 

Yes I totally agree when I was In the pub trade I often got called a bar Steward which surprised me at first, seen I was actually the owner of the pub not a club and so I would try to educate them by pointing out, a club has a Steward. a pub has a licensee or a manager.
unfortunately like your good self, they miss identified me and thought I too, had the title of count, which like you say is flattering some even thought I looked like a needle calling me a little pr1ck....strange how people perceive others

 

I just bought my daughter an ipad, my son an ipod, myself an iphone... And the wife iRon. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with iwash, icook and iclean network. This sadly triggered the iNag service, which in turn wiped out the iShag function!!

 

Hands trembling, I checked the numbers again -9-15 21-05 20-23.
I was in shock, after all these years I'd finally got a doctors appointment!!..

 

A 17 yr old girl goes to her doctors and asks him,
" doctor,how many calories are there in sperm?"
Doctor replied,
" believe me love, if you swallow, no one gives a **** how fat you are"

 

Only 3 in the wall,,,,, a #9s dream.

 

It’s all you need (is love)

 

Don’t know about the KFC bit, but the rest I agree

 

My friend said to me 'The Tory party is just cuts after cuts after cuts!'...
... I told him 'You're one letter off.'

 

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £9000. £4000 for materials, £4000 for my crew, and £1000 profit for me."

The Polish contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £7000. £3000 for materials, £3000 for my crew, and £1000 profit for me."

The Tory party donor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Tory Party official and whispers, "£27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Tory Donor whispers back, "£10,000 for me, £10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Poland to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the Tory party official.

And that, my friends, is how the Tory Party works these days.

 

There's many a true word said in jest

 

Does anyone know how to cancel eBay bids?
I bid £10 on a cowboy outfit and I'm about 5 minutes away from owning the Tory Party.