Made me laugh

Fancy bragging about yourself at work.

 

Mother turnip, father turnip, and baby turnip, are growing in a field, baby turnip says, I’m sick of living here, so I’m leaving home, much to mummy,and daddy turnips dismay. But baby turnip wouldn’t be persuaded to stay, so packed his bags and set off. Not far down the road he gets knocked down by a car and ends up in the vegetable hospital. Mummy and Daddy went to visit him and saw the doctor. How is he they asked. Well I have some good news and some bad news he said. What’s the good news they asked. Well we’ve been able to save his life, the doc said. What’s the bad news they both asked anxiously. Well said the doc, he’s gonna be a cabbage the rest of his life

 

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The A n E Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

I'm not sure what's funnier, the jokes or the amount of times you post the same joke not realising

 

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse. "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well," said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, that's really nice!" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband- he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

 

A woman just come up to me with an unlit cigarette in her mouth and asked "Have u got a light ****?" I said "That's a bit ******* personal love but as it happens yes... it floats in the bath!!..

 

Rolf Harris had one final wish before he died, he asked that his ashes be put into hetcha sketchas, so that kids could play with his knob forever.

 

Valid question.

 

Apparently this is true. My 6 year old grand daughter thought We Buy Any Car was something you do in an emergency.

 

I fell asleep in the chair yesterday afternoon. When I woke up I had a tea bag in my mouth.

I hate being treated like a mug.

(from a SOTS listener this morning)

 

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest,
"I'm pregnant.
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"
She replied,
"Because I swallowed the first one.

 

A Man Whispers to a Woman at the Bar.

"I'd love to fill your Fanny with Stella Lager and then drink it all down slowly''

The shocked Woman runs over to her Husband and tells him.

''Aren't you goin to kick the ******* **** out of him''..??? She asks.
"No Way". he says.

''I'm not fighting any ******, that can drink that much Stella''....!!!

 

Put a bra on woman. The dogs might not look so glum.