Made me laugh

Help me out lol.

 

In an emergency, we(e) by any car…

 

I must be going blind. I had a zoom in one that to see the pins

 

I didn’t think it was that subtle.

 

I was addicted to the hokey cokey, but then I turned myself around.

 

Mike Bassett's best bits, as our national manager.

 

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

 

Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic

 

Q:What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.

 

My friend said to me 'The Tory party is just cuts after cuts after cuts!'...
... I told him 'You're one letter off.'

 

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.
And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the room they were no longer speaking to each other.

She went to bed while he grabbed a spare blanket and went to settle down on the sofa. But after a while she started to feel sorry for the whole silly situation, because after all it was their wedding night and they were ruining it.

So she cooed softly, "Darling... there's a split in the Labour party, and if the Conservative member stood now, he'd get in easily."

And he growled back, "You're too late! He already stood as an independent and lost his deposit!"

 

Trigger enjoys a bit of classical music, with Dave.

 

A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard. "I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia. He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me."
"He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."

 

This lass as been on that many ferries you would thought that she'd have wised up by now.

 

Father looks at his teenage son, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your new parents will be here in an hour.”

 

2 alien spaceships appear in the sky scanning for intelligent life forms.

One alien says to the other "There appears to be life here, they have nuclear war heads everywhere"

The other alien replies "oh my, so they're an intelligent species?!"

The first alien responds "i dont think so, they're pointing it at each other"