Made me laugh

How many fish are there in a pair of tights?

Five, two eels, two soles and a ******* smelly wet plaice!!!!!

 

Raindrops on roses
Whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles
Warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with string
These are a few of my Favourite things
I also like...Dogging darn at Wath Lake...Wife swapping...and Stamp collecting.

 

FEMALE VERSION THE LORDS PRAYER: My vibrator, which brings me heaven, Rabbit be thy name. You make me cum, you bring such fun, on earth - or is it heaven? Give me this day my daily thrill, and forgive me my screams as I forgive those who sold me dud batteries. Lead me straight into temptation .… Deliver me from frustration. For thine is the vibration, the power and rotation. For ever and ever. No Men!

 

A little boy went into his parents room and found his mum bouncing on his dad up and down... When the woman saw her son, she quickly jumped down and was worried cause of what her son saw... So the little boy asked his mum "mummy what you doing"? And she said "well you know your dad has a big stomach, so sometimes I hop on him and help him flatten it"... Then the small boy said "mummy you are wasting your time" and she asked "why is that" and he said "everytime you go shopping, the lady next door comes to his room, goes on her knees and always blows it back up".

 

I got a call off the police today telling me my wife had been involved in a car accident.
"Is she okay?" I asked, worriedly.
"Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash." he replied.
"I know that, but is she injured in any way?

 

A little boy gets ten pounds for his birthday & rushes down to the the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gets the ball down from the rack & gives the shopkeeper his ten pound.
"Sorry son",says the shopkeeper. "This ball costs twenty pound, but you've only got ten pound".
Thinking quickly,the boy looks up at the club balls & says,"Ok. If you blindfold me & I guess the ball will you let me have the ball for ten pound?" The shopkeeper curiously agrees and blindfolds the boy.
First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "Ok",says the boy placing his ear to the ball." I can hear the blasting of two cannons this must be an Arsenal ball."
"That was a lucky guess," said the shopkeeper. "Lets try another one".
So he hands him a Millwall ball. "Ok",says the boy placing his ear to the ball again. "I can hear a pack of rampant lions, It must be a Millwall ball."
"Goodness me,"
says the shopkeeper. "If you get the next one right I'll let you have the ball for nothing" & passes him another ball.
Again the boy puts the ball to his ear & after a few moments he says,"That's a Sheffield Wednesday ball."
"I don't believe it," shouts the shopkeeper. "How on earth did you get that one? I suppose you heard a Owl Hooting?"
"No," said the boy. "It's going down".

 

A girl sneezed in the Red Lion in Wath and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand. I took it back to her and we got chatting. After a few beers, I took her home and shagged her. Wondering if she was a bit of a slapper i asked her, Do u Shag everyone on a first date. She said no, Only those that catch my eye...

 

I met a guy yesterday who could smell a coconut from over a mile away. He said it came in handy with his job.

he’s a bounty hunter.

if you missed the documentary on tomatoes don’t worry,

you can watch it on ketchup.

 

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???

 

A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of Ardsley crematorium...........keep smiling

 

Can we do jokes without the racist stereotypes please?

 

Think you don’t really like jokes do you,clues in name a joke,Irish people say tree not three,I’ve seen that incorporated into a joke,why is everything racist these days

 

Yeah that's definitely the case, I hate jokes

Sorry that I don't find the lazy stereotype that Chinese people work in take aways and say "fwied wice" etc etc funny. Maybe because I'm not Bernard Manning, who knows?

 

a little higher in standard than my last two, but I get most of my jokes from Tony Blackburn listeners. He would not have broadcast this one.

It was good to see you again at t'oval.

 

Thought itr was flied lice ?

 

Now is possibly not the best time to introduce the board to Irene, the Chinese lady with one leg shorter than the other,,,, it's Wong on so many levels!