Made me laugh

Just thought I'd nip over to my Gran's as I haven't seen her in a while, and fair play to her, at 96, she has all the Halloween decorations up, insects and cobwebs in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
There was no answer though. I'll try again next year.

 

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A FINAL NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED
DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH??. .. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...
...TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"

 

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He
then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?

He said, 'I found the remote'.

 

Reight then, I made this up this aft (unless I've heard it before) but if a Glaswegian with a very strong Glaswegian accent was talking to you & you couldn't understand him or her, would it be like a Sporran language?

Yeah yeah, I'll get it mi sen.

 

Same sort of crap I come out with. Join the club.
I did however pop down to a boat in the harbour cos I thought the retiring captain was offering some sell off bargains from his maritime experience. When he told me to piss off I simply told him he was being rude as he clearly had a sail on.....

 

Schadenfreude?

 

Definitely get yer coiat for that lol.

 

General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, “General, I don’t like the sound of those drums.” From over in the hills came a voice yelling, “It’s not our regular drummer.”

 

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some “real” musical instruments.

He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says “I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion.”

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies, “OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay”.

 

A man and his wife are walking one day when they spot a bloke sitting alone in a bus shelter on the other side of the road.
'That looks like Archbishop of Canterbury' says the woman. 'Go and ask him if he is.'
The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is the Archbishop of Canterbury. 'F*ck off' says the man.
The husband crosses back to his wife, who asks: 'What did he say? Is he the Archbishop of Canterbury?'
'He told me to f*ck off,' says the husband. 'Oh no,' says the wife. 'Now we'll never know.'

 

A little brown paper bag isn't feeling very well so goes to the doctor's.
'Im constantly getting infections and losing weight' says the little bag
'Sounds concerning' says the doctor 'we'd better send a sample off for tests'. Whereupon the tiniest piece of paper is cut from the bag's side and sent for analysis.
A week later the little bag is called back to the doctors and a serious looking professional informs the bag he has HIV.
'Have you had unprotected sex with strangers or prostitutes recently?' says the doctor.
'No, not at all' says the little bag.
'Have you had any blood transfusions from unregulated sources? asks the doctor.
'No, I'm a paper bag, we dont do blood transfusions. How the hell could I have contracted HIV?'
The doctor thinks and pauses then looks at the little bag sternly 'From what you've told me there's only one other explanation. You've caught it off your wife. She's obviously a carrier'

 

Coyt