Made me laugh

Rolf Harris

 

From the Grandson:

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?


A Carrot....

 

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’
He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

 

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."

 

2001.

 

I,m old…..I was in C n A in Krakow recently

 

There were three brothers, Tom, Dick and Harry. They were big men with big feet, the brother with the biggest feet being Dick. Once a year, they would go into town and get their feet measured for a pair of hand-made shoes for each of them. After they got measured up, Tom and Harry decided to go to the local for a pint or two, but Dick had some more shopping to do so he said he would meet them later. Whilst Tom and Harry were supping their pints, two women sat down at the table next to them. The four of them were chatting away when one of the women noticed the size of Tom's and Harry's feet. “Oh my goodness”, said one of the women, “you two have really big feet!”, to which Tom replied, “You think our feet are big? - you should see the size of our Dick's!”

 

He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers.
"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.
He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream.
"There you go, it's not that hard doing the washing up..!#50shadesofhousework

 

Still going. Abroad anyhow.

 

Laughing.
Reason why. I was playing sunday football for my local pub side. The centre half got booked. Little did I know until the fine came through to the club. He'd given my name. . And no. I didnt pay it missen. Daft but not that daft lol.
(Jimmy Longden RIP. yer chuff I'd have had an unblemished career. Lol)

 

Bill had had a nice night in the pub but after 10 pints he decided he was very tipsy and it was time to go home. As he manoeuvred off his bar stool however he fell flat on his face.
'Blimey, I must be pissed' he thought to himself. He tried to get up but fell flat on his face again. He crawled to the pub door, hauled himself up by it but when he pushed it open he fell down in the street.
He crawled all the way home, cursing himself for his drunken stupidity. When he got to his garden gate he pushed through it, crawled to his front door and pulled himself up by the handle. When the door opened, Bill fell straight forward into the hall and was again flat on his face.
'I'd better go to bed' he reasoned, whereupon he began crawling the flight of stairs to his room. He then crawled through the doorway and crawled on to his bed where he fell into an immediate deep sleep.
Next morning Bill was awoken by his wife who sounded a little bit agitated. 'Bill, Bill what do you think you were doing last night?'
'What do you mean' replied Bill dozily.
'We've just had a phone call from the pub. You forgot your wheelchair!'

 

Timely reminder about winter

Don't forget as winter will soon be upon us and our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop and buy a mesh and a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nutbag.

Just remember, however, it's a bit too late in the year to expect a swallow.

 

Phone found in Sheffield

 

Not Donald Trump then?

 

Here's some Mock the week bits...

 

And here's some 'doggy style' Buzzcocks...

 

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."