Made me laugh

And another one…

 

Do you fart in bed ? Well Merry Christmas!
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……......

 

Fred and Joan having a chat about Christmas presents.
Fred: What would you like for Christmas my dear?
Joan: Nothing would please me more than a diamond ring
Fred: Right you are. Nothing it is.

 

If you drive a Subaru in reverse , what are you ?
U r a bus

 

Mary: It was god, Joseph, honest…

 

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?

Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin’ on’t lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "They can’t ever tell anybody about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all the bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha’s got to gi me another week to come up wi’ 500 quid”

 

During the year you're never more than 10ft away from a rat, but that all changes during December.
When you're never more than 10ft away from a ****, in an Xmas jumper.

 

Merry Xmas @Stephen Dawson

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family too mate. Thank you

 

Just found out what type of pizzas good King Wenceslas used to like.
Apparently deep pan crisp and even!

 

Here's uncle Albert lol, struggling to go along with Del's ridiculous idea.

 

Here's another Buzzcocks Id parade, and they are trying to pick a member of The Buggles.

 

Prawn cocktail for starters
Roast beef for mains
Cheese and onion for later

Xmas day done thanks to Walkers Crisps

 

Lol

 

BREAKING NEWS

The Met Office has issued a weather warning for December 25th stating that a thick cloud of Lynx Africa will cover the majority of the United Kingdom from around 8am onwards!!!