Made me laugh

What type of cheese do pirates prefer?.................. Cheddaaaaggghhh!

 

I went to a New Years Eve fancy dress party dressed
As a warburtons loaf,

The birds were all over me….

I’ll get me coit…

 

Winter is here and our native birds are finding food scarce.
Please go to the pet shop and buy a mesh and a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.

There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nutsack!!!!

 

A top male executive at a financial house in London would not stop giggling and chuckling in meetings even after several performance reviews, complaints and referrals. Colleagues eventually prosecuted under the corporate mans laughter act.

 

That joke would have been better after a week

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says:
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says:
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say - 'WHO'S HORNY'
And she acts like she's sound asleep!"

 

The farmer’s daughter was late to school and the teacher asked her why.
“I had to take our cow to the farm next door so their bull can get her pregnant, miss”
“Couldn’t your father do that?”
“Well he could try I suppose, but I think there’s more chance if their bull gives it a go”.

 

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away.

 

Good news and bad news in the Post Office scandal

The good news is that Paula Vennells is handing back her CBE

The bad news is it's in the post…

 

A small boy got lost at Alhambra shopping centre, so he approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my granddad!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Gin and tonic and women with big boobs!!!”

 

Wath Market Surgery
Doctor.. How much do you weigh?
Me.. 103kg with mi glasses on
Doctor.. OK .. How much do you weigh without your glasses on?
Me...Ent a clue Doc, i can't feckin see!!..