Made me laugh

I accidentally took my cats meds last night
Don’t ask meow

 

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no "after life" at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear
me?
"Is that you, Frank?
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.
"That's wonderful! What's it like?
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper,it's back to the golf course again. Then
it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

 

47 years my mrs has moaned about me using her toothbrush on occasion.
Any suggestions of how to get dog s41t out of my trainers welcome.

 

A termite walks into a bar and approaces a group of drinkers
"Is the bar tender here?" he asks

 

A man was attacked walking down the street in Barnsley today, he got hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and a trombone.

Police say it was an orchestrated attack. I went to the new Cannibal restaurant in Barnsley last night.
Not going again......

It cost me an arm and a leg.

 

Why do they name storms after womenBecause at the beginning there's lots of sucking and blowing and they eventually take your house……not mine though there’s lots of wind but no suck or blow

 

I’m holding a Winter Garden Sale tomorrow, I have 20 fence posts, 16 tables, 12 wheelie bins, 4 trampolines and some decking.

Plus new stuff arriving all the time

No reasonable offers refused

 

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

 

We’ve got super Yorkshire pudding…..carvery at the back, roast potatoes in attack, Barnsley’s gonna win the bloody league

 

Looking for a bit of advice...
What's the best number of roses to give the wife on Valentines day? 6, 12, 24 or the whole bloody tin?

 

I was in Wath Tesco the other day pushing my trolley around when I
collided with a young man pushing his trolley. I said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?" The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond
hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight
white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

 

Couldn't think of a better thread to post this...

https://x.com/Vancouverowls/status/1753821063857762728?t=ZsRFJle2toIY8hyoBMUaRA&s=09

 

I got rudely awoken about 3am this morning when there was a massive bang and explosion outside. Turns out a jumbo jet had crashed in the garden and took half the next door neighbour's house out.
I knew I shouldn't have left the landing light on.

 

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them. . . They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' Nodding and addressing each of them individually, Then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and Bought even more outrageous outfits..
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

 

Can't argue with that hee hee