OT / To have kids or to be childless

I don't have kids and I get very mixed reports of "it's the best thing in the world" Vs "don't do it, seriously it will ruin your life" from friends with children.

I get that there's sacrifice and cost involved in raising kids but its interesting to see people saying kids are their best achievement in another recent thread.

I sometimes like the idea of the good parts of having a kid but I (shockingly) don't want the bad parts. The career interruption, cost, change of lifestyle etc.

My other half and I are pretty sure we don't want kids but I don't want to get older and regret not having them.

What's your views BBS?

 

Having a child is the greatest thing in the world. However it’s also the hardest thing in the world.

My only advice would be that you should do what your heart tells you. Raising a child that you are not 100% certain on having may well end in misery.

Far too many people feel the pressure to have a child, and even more go for a second when they are not ready.

 

I'm in a similar position to you. Neither me nor my wife want kids at the moment, but not ruling them out in the future. I just don't have any urge to at present, seems like a one way ticket to having much less time, money, sleep and enjoyment in life going by my mates' experiences.

 

It is very rewarding and amazing having kids, but at times it can be really challenging especially when they are newborn and you are sleep deprived.

The biggest impact for me is losing a lot of the time I used to have to myself. I probably need that more because I'm autistic. The best bits are seeing them enjoying themselves, seeing my 12 year old daughter's face on Christmas Day when she found out she was off to Disneyland Paris a few days later.

My dad worked a lot at weekends so I didn't get to do the father son stuff with him as much as I'd have liked, but hoping to do that with my 2 year old son, doing whatever he fancies.

Saying all that, I don't think having kids is something others can give much advice on, it really is down to personal choice.

 

Just make sure that whatever you decide, it's the decision that you BOTH want, not one going one way or the other to please the other party. If you decide not to have them, but one of you isn't sure that's the right choice and regrets it when it's too late, that will ensure misery and will likely split you up at some point later down the track.

I am several years younger than my wife. We have been together now for a very long time but when we first got together, she was divorced with 3 kids and I was young and had none. She didn't want any more and we had to have some very in depth chats about what we both really wanted. If I wanted kids, we would have had to part. I chose not to, but have essentially brought up my 3 step kids since they were very young. I don't regret the choice at all and know I made the right one. But it was a very big call to make.

 

If you want a brutally honest assessment, then if you say you're pretty sure you don't want kids I'd say you definitely shouldn't have them. You're probably significantly underestimating the downsides, because it is a relentless, all-consuming endeavour and your relationship with your other half will be put under huge strain at points.

For me personally the good massively outweighs the bad (at least after the first 18 months - anyone who says they prefer babies to toddlers needs sectioning) and we'll probably have another child. I think you likely have a reasonable idea of what the good side is already (although nothing can prepare you for the feeling of absolute, visceral love you have for your child) but if you already think the hypothetical bad outweighs the good then the reality is likely to be even worse.

 

Both these quotes can be, and are, true. It’s a different life post-children so your original life will be “ruined”. You may prefer your new life though.

The most important thing is to only embark on the new adventure when you are both fully ready, it saves resentment later.

 

I can relate to this as I am also an autistic father with two beautiful girls, my eldest we suspect is also Autistic so it can be doubly challenging but wouldn’t change it for the world!

 

There is no wrong or right answer.

Having kids was the best thing that happened to me.

For a good friend, not having kids means he has lived his best life. For him.

But as others have said, the decision to have or to have not is a joint one, and one both should consider carefully and together.

 

For a balanced view, I'm childless and in my early 50's and I'm perfectly happy with this situation. I was open to the possibility of children earlier in my life but the attraction diminshed with time. Obviously, I can still have kids but the thought of working for another 20 years is not appealing as opposed to retiring early. I've done some voluntary work with kids in the past and I'll probably do some mentoring work in the future so I can still hopefully have a postive impact of a childs future.

 

As others have said, it is both fantastic and tremendously difficult. The tantrums, arguments, lack of sleep, expense are all draining. When all you want is 30 minutes to yourself but they won't leave you alone. That said, the rewards are infinite. My eldest is learning to read. Hearing her sound out "wonderful" the other day was mind-blowing. I let her have a go on Minecraft, first ever time on a computer and she'd got the hang of the mouse within 30 minutes. We bought her a Barnsley shirt for her birthday and she spent an hour pretending to be a footballer with Timerider on the smart speaker. These are all things that I'd never even thought of when deciding to have kids but are moments that just bring immense joy. It's impossible to measure the impact. Watching my mum spend time with the girls. The possibility of grandkids myself one day.

In those difficult moments I sometimes imagine what life would be like if I'd had a Sliding Doors moment, I'd probably live in a nice, tidy, quiet flat in Gateway Plaza, but I think my life would be boring, empty even. That's not to say that you can't have a full life without kids, but I couldn't have imagined the positive impact they've had on my life.

 

you have to take into account what their future looks like-climate change, warring countries, energy shortfalls, isolationist countries,nuclear armageddon, minimal job prospects, pension black hole etc etc

 

Fair point but whilst things are bad at present we've had most of these issues in past generations too.

 

I have 4 children, all adults now, two boys and two girls, and 7 grandchildren, 3 boys and 4 girls, aged from 1 to 9, and they have all brought me great joy. Two of my grandsons will be at Oakwell with me today. I regard my children as my best friends.

 

Kids a pain.
Grandkids a joy.
On a serious note. It's not the easiest job in the world bringing up kids. But the highs are amazing. You only need to look back at the grief you would most likely have caused at times to your parents to know how hard it can be.
I've heard people slag off their parents and justifiably in some cases. But in most cases a parents love can never be questioned.
As the saying goes.
Friends come and go. Parents/family will always be there.
Greatest job in the world. Showing not only the love going their way. But getting it back.
I have been fortunate to have the best extended families on mine and my mrs side. We are very close. And like a previous poster quoted. There are Dads. Grandads. Nephews, cousins etc. Lots of us sit together at the games. At least 12 when all there. 11 today 1 is gutted. (Wedding lol)

Each to there own.
But if I can add A very close relative of mine along with her husband didnt want kids. I can assure you it his her biggest regret in life. And too late to turn the clock back. The joy she gets from nieces and nephews (and their kids) brings that home.

Can I also add. your friends that say "dont do it. It will ruin your life:" . Are either talking crap or as in most cases saying it tongue in cheek with a smile most of us would take or make that as a quip.

Hand on heart if you have mixed feelings. Dont make a decision that you would most likely regret when it's too late. Mixed feelings to me mean with respect, go for it.

 

As someone who had to go down the IVF route due to unexplained fertility issues, don't leave it too late if you do decide to have children.

We have four children and now a grandchild, the best one is the grandchild - as you get to give them back

 

If you're worried about making sacrifices and giving up your leisure time then I'd suggest you'd be resentful in those early years when they're teething, shi tting and waking up at 2 or 4 in the morning. However, they bring you more joy and love than you could ever imagine, then as they grow older, they become your most trusted allies and riends (Provided they're brought up correctly).Then, when they grow up and have their own children, the grandkids give you all the pleasure once again but without the crap bits. As you get older, you appreciate the family even more. There are 10 in.our little clan who get together at weekends, holidays and birthdays etc. I absolutely love it and they're my life. If I'd never had kids, I would be a lonely old man.

 

Some great responses above... it's difficult to advise as it's such a personal thing... but if you're going to be a proper parent your life changes forever.. we were both in our 30's when we had our son, so the stage of nightclubbing etc... we'd really grown out of it and buckled down to trying to find financial security in the long term, so I suppose you could say we were ready, but even then the sleepless nights, nappies and all that can be hard, but it doesn't last and if you both pull your weight the time flies and before you know it your bundle of trouble is growing up... and costing you a fortune... ie Bank of Mum & Dad, as I say to my lad.. if we hadn't had you we could have bought a Ferrari. If I could turn the clock back I wouldn't change a thing.

 

Depends whether you're in the "the world is overpopulated and unsustainable even if we stop population growth" camp.
Or the "we need to increase population to get a supply of labour to look after us in our dotage" camp.

I have 3 kids and (if capable) would certainly not want any more. I was never in the second grouping above and I wasn't fully aware of the global population expansion back in the 80s and 90s and certainly didn't think is was a concern in Europe. I do remember the Chinese trying to tackle their population problems back then.

Of my kids, the eldest has a daughter but won't have any more, the others haven't said whether they want a family or not.

My stepson and his wife (early 50s now) decided not to have kids and they seem perfectly happy and have never expressed any regrets.

If I had my time over again, I would probably have only had 2.

As for the emotional side, it's swings and roundabouts, massive ups and awful downs, by not having children, you'd miss out on both.