OT / To have kids or to be childless

Its all down to the individual or couple and I respect that. Yes its time, money and emotionally all consuming. But, for me, parenthood has made me a much better person, less selfish, more tolerent, more understanding and above all ive helped create something that I would die for in an instant and wouldnt sell for 10 billion pounds.
Its hard work, but one of mine with a smile on their face or the call 'daddy' from another room, makes it all worthwhile.

 

I’ve one son he’s the apple of my eye

 

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There's always the option of becoming foster parents in older age should the regrets emerge. Whereas there isn't an option to get a refund should you go ahead.

I hope you both have time to think about it. My situation is that the other half's body clock is ticking. We'd love a family but not now... but if not now then we might struggle. It's hard to get our heads around.

Thank you to all the posters for their perspectives.

 

We’re not having children. Neither us feel the desire to do so and I think I’d struggle too much if we did. I have a lot of problems with my mental health anyway and no way am I passing this on. I’d never forgive myself seeing my children struggle and knowing that I knowingly brought someone into the world to suffer that. I also know I’d be super controlling and would stifle any kids I would have had. My mam massively messed me up with how she is and there’s no way I’m passing those genes on.

I also have lots of friends and colleagues who have children who will need life long looking after. And when I say lots, I mean far higher than what must be representative of the wider population and probably had something to do with me working in a school and the school hours working pattern being what draws the parents to the job. Everyone says who will look after you in your old age but their children definitely won’t be looking after them of course and brings the added worry of who will look after the children when the parents are gone. It’s a real risk that I think a lot of people don’t fully consider.

 

Thanks everybody for the responses, I'm having a bit of a philosophical morning so this has been really helpful.

We're late 20s, we have pets, we have comfortable jobs and love our lives. Neither of us have been very interested in kids and don't feel that empty void that some people feel without kids.

I suppose it's easy to see the downsides because no money no sleep and no time are things you tend to experience at some point in your life, but it's hard to tell whether the good bits will outweigh those because I can't imagine the feeling of relentless unwavering love for a nameless faceless child that doesn't exist.

I've no doubt I'd do a good job, and I feel I have something to give, but is it worth it now? That feels like such a selfish thing to say. But isn't having kids a selfish act? Something new to love, to look like you, to love you? To look after when you're older? Not knocking it, but clearly having a kid isn't a truly altruistic or charitable thing to do. You have to get something from it too.

I've resolved that I'll have kids when I want nothing else more, and when I have more to give than I have to gain from it. I think only time will tell.

I just hope that once I either have them or miss my chance I don't regret it.

 

If you don't want them don't have them. Just because it's the societal norm doesn't make it right for everyone. Being a parent is a big commitment. I'm not sure if it's the same for men, but my theory for women is you know how many children you want and I'm lucky and happy I've been able to have the number I wanted.

 

We had our son when we were 40, you have plenty of time to decide and that is a positive.

 

I've got 3 and I can see both sides of the argument. Life would be a piece of cake with no kids and you'd be infinitely more comfortable financially wise. The other side is that I love them to bits and think they're ******* brilliant.

 

Very similar to my parents. Younger man with older divorcee with kids. I was a big decision to try for so he had a blood kid. My siblings see my dad as theirs and parents were together over 40 years very happy until mum passed away.

 

One thing about having kids is that time accelerates dramatically. One minute they’re toddling about the next its shots In the night club.
I count myself lucky as both of them are our best friends.

 

I love been a dad but it can be hard at times. Especially the first couple of years. Ours weren’t great in the night & had reflux, then Covid came along & my wife really struggled with not been able to see anyone, especially her mum.

When they start talking & walking & have a proper personality it’s far better in my opinion. Nowadays been a dad feels like the best thing ever.

To be honest we’d stopped going out boozing as much anyway & even if we wanted to go out once every few weeks we’ve grandparents that help & luckily for me I’ve always been able to go to the footy since becoming a dad.

The only real thing we don’t do that we did before becoming parents is going to the cinema in the week but that’s hardly a great loss.

I think the one thing that does make it tougher is that social media portrays everyone to be the perfect family. My wife used to say ‘I bet so & so’s kids don’t do this’ etc but you’ve got to accept that no one puts the bad stuff online & that they’re probably having or have had the same issues.

 

Being a parent is at times a thankless and at times seemingly pointless endeavour.

Kids cause worse arguments with your spouse / partner that you’ll ever have - well, kids and money. And you’ll never have enough of the latter with kids, no matter how much you earn. You will stress, and age ten years for every three that pass whilst you have young kids.

But they will also be your greatest achievement, source of most pride, give you the most joy. I never thought about whether I wanted kids, never considered whether I would or not.

Our eldest wasn’t exactly planned. (Or at least not by me!); he was born when I was 24. I’m 40 now, and have a mouthy 16 year old, essentially a bloke, in the house. He’s alright though. Even with the horrendous permed mullet he’s got. Rugby thing. Strange child…

His little sisters, well, one is just about to become a teen and she’s a challenge. The baby (Evie, many of you sponsored her to donate her hair to the little Princess charity a few years back), is now 9 and absolutely batshit crazy.

We live in a three bed semi ex pit house in Scawthorpe. Without kids with what I’ve earned over the years we’d have been a big detached somewhere and wouldn’t have a seven year old Nissan and eleven year old volvo on the drive.

Wouldn’t change a single thing. Not one.

 

The best and the hardest thing I've ever done. I've got a wonderful 11 year old daughter. Unfortunately me and her mum seperated several years ago having been together since we were 18. Luckily her mum is an amazing woman. We tried for a long to resolve our issues, but ultimately couldn't, and we've settled in to a really positive, supporting co-parenting relationship. I have Esmé half of the week and those days are incredibley precious.

Since then I've also been lucky enough to find a new partner, another amazing woman, who is fantastic with Esmé and fully respects the ongoing relationship needed with my ex. After my previous relationship had ended and I started to think to the future it put me in the situation where I needed to consider what my views would be on becoming a parent again. I was conscious I might meet someone with their own kids, or someone who would want kids of their own. And the thought of going through the whole baby phase again to be honest scared me, or becoming a parent in my 40s.

My partner is 30 and doesnt have any kids, but luckily - given my concerns of doing it all again - she soesn't want to have kids. She's great with kids - nephews, nieces, Esmé - but just doesn't feel it's right for her. She values her own time and interests and is quite career orientated.

I would echo some of the other points people have made. Once you have a kid your entire life becomes one of worry for their wellbeing, and your time ceases to be your own. A prime example for me is she has zero interest in football, and as a consequence me going to Oakwell has largely stopped. When you only have them half the week in particular that time with them is precious, and their interests are paramount, so I spend a lot of time at musical theatre!

But I wouldn't change that for the world....

 

For me, it comes down to the question of what do you want from life?
I could be having 4 holidays a year and living in a 5 bed detached house in the countryside if I hadn't had kids. I could afford all the latest gadgets, get my pilots license, have a sports car...
Instead I live in a 3 bedroom semi, enjoy 1-2 holidays a year, drive a decent car but I'm also filled with pride of the achievements my children manage, daily. I get enjoyment from them doing little things, that of other children did I wouldn't be bothered. My perspective and priorities changed, but it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. I feel like I've gained more from having children, than I've lost. Plus, I can also live that high life when I retire and my children are making their own way in the world. The unconditional familiar love is something money can't buy for me.

 

I can only speak for us, but it's the best thing we've done. Only having grandchildren has come close. I accept it's not for everyone.

 

I love my kids beyond words. They’re great kids and make me proud every single day. I live for my kids, literally.

We had a very rough period, when my daughter went off the rails (understatement!), but the way she has turned her life around is nothing short of amazing. She’s 18 now and I have the best relationship I’ve had with her since she was a toddler. She’s a great kid and lives with me. She spends most of her time with her boyfriend, who’s a nice lad. My son is everything I’d want a son to be. He’s been lovely ever since he was a baby. I love every minute I spend with him and hate it when he’s up at his mum’s. I never wanted to be a part-time dad. He’s with me more than he isn’t though. But he’s just at that age where he’s going to be wanting to spend more time with his mates than with his old dad, particularly as his band starts taking up his time, so I cherish the time we spend together, at the footy or cricket, at concerts or the cinema, or watching something on TV or playing a game, or when he’s playing me the latest song he’s learned on the guitar or bass or Keyboard.

There was a time when I wished I’d never had kids (seriously, my daughter went RIGHT off the rails!), but since splitting with their mum the house is a much calmer place, with rarely any raised voices, apart from when the boy is shrieking down the microphone to his mates, as they play on their PS5s online.

The biggest concern I have really is what the future has in store for them. We’re destroying the planet and electing leaders who don’t care about this. We’re also electing leaders that are not morally fit to be in the positions they fill, and who are making the world a much worse place to live in. It really scares me what the kids are going to have to go through when I am dead and gone

 

Don't think it was a massively conscious decision to have children it just sort of happened - we had three children by the time I was 25 - next 20 years I sort of muddled through never sure I was getting it right - but always did what I thought was o.k. - fortunately Mrs RT was much better at it all than me.
I'm happy with the way they've turned out - hope they think the same of me!

Never really thought what life without children would have been like,

 

Completely your choice. Me and the missus have been married 29 years this May and never fancied it. Might live to regret it - might not. Live your (and your partner's lives) and just do what works.

Plus side - much better off financially; Down side - dunno! Might be sad in old age but no guarantee's your kids'll love you! All the best with your decisions - lifes hard!

 

Couldn’t live without my kids. They drive me up the wall sometimes but to see happiness in their faces and the love you give to each other……there’s no better feeling.

Those first few years with your partner you kind of turn from lovers to parents and you adapt your lives and lifestyles but it’s sooooo worth it.

To see my two kids growing up and the changes through the years is something I’ll cherish forever.

I love them and “think” they love me