Made me laugh

Two Inuit in a canoe off Greenland. They are felling the cold so they light a fire, unfortunately the canoe sinks.

This proves that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

 

An angry woman is shopping in her local supermarket when a random bloke hits her with a trolley. Said woman is livid and rings her mate and professional assassin, Arty, to bump the person off. Arty offers to do the deed for free seeing as its for a mate and sure enough when the perpetrator is next out shopping Arty sneaks up behind and strangles him.
The following week the woman is out shopping again but this time someone runs over her foot with their trolley. Furious after receiving no apology the woman rings Arty who again agrees to a murder for no money. The following week Arty again strangles the perpetrator to death.
A few weeks later in the same shop the angry woman becomes incensed when a young lass jumps in front of her at the checkout. She calls Arty who this time says he'll do the murder for a quid as its getting more risky. The angry woman agrees but after Arty successfully completes his third strangulation and murder he is apprehended by police as he tries to get away.
The crimes attract a lot of media attention, none more so than in the local paper where the headline reads................'Arty chokes three for a pound at Tesco!'

 

Wife: R come tha late?
Barnsley Bloke: This fella lost a Fifty Quid note.
Wife: R...Wer tha helping him look for it?
Barnsley Bloke: Nar ya silly cow... I wa stud on it.

 

Think VAR is correct ( ● ) ( ● )

 

Three Wath women, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. ‘That was my pager,’ she said. ‘I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.’
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, ‘That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said… ‘Well, will you look at that…
I’m getting a fax!!!’

 

You've posted it twice in just over a week. wasnt funny 1st time either.

 

The Dr’s just told me I need to stop masturbating
When I asked him why
He said “cos I’m trying to examine you”

 

I've always said we need 2 big uns up front

 

Congratulations to that lot in blue… they defied all the odds doing what they’ve done!! Some said it was impossible and they’ve kept going and grinding results out all season!

Ipswich blinking town

 

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said.
'This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different ****,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

 

At least 3 of em are quite funny. .

 

Ye P ..ah niva liked Dick Dastardly

 

I more often than not drew him in the weekly sweepstake T. 2p per go. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

https://www.google.com/search?q=mut...ate=ive&vld=cid:9dc2e20d,vid:w-s2uaaXAR8,st:0

 

That my friend is brilliant. Pmsl.

 

AnybodyI’ve got a couple of tickets for Man Utd v Newcastle on Wednesday if anyone’s interested????…….They’re really good tickets…..both in the shallow end‍♂️‍♂️