Made me laugh

2 wpc dog handlers on the beat. One says 'Im cold, I left my knickers at the station', the other says 'let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch em'. The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, a truncheon, 2 broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.....

 

Legendary Welsh singer Tom Jones visits Legendary Liverpudlian Cilla Black,with an offer of amazing sexy sex.
He says, "I'll make love to you three times, and each time will be better than the last. It'll be the best sex you've ever ever had. I'll need a sleep in between bouts, but apart from that it'll be sex sex sexy sex."

Cilla Black agrees, and Tom Jones, true to his word, gives her the most amazing sex she's ever had.

"That was AMAZING," she says.

"I know," says Tom Jones. "But now I need a sleep. And you need to grab hold of my **** with both hands. Don't let go for a second."

"OK," says Cilla. So she dutifully holds on to his **** with both hands whilst he falls asleep. Soon as he wakes up again, he gives her - as promised - sex even better than the first time. It lasts twice as long, and rocks her to the core.

"That was even more amazing," she gasps. "What a lorra lorra ****."

"I know," says Tom Jones. "But now I need a sleep. And you need to grab hold of my **** with both hands while I sleep. You have to promise me not to let go for even a second."

"OK," says Cilla, getting a little concerned. Nevertheless she dutifully holds on to his **** with both hands whilst he falls asleep. Soon as he wakes up again, he gives her - as promised - sex even better than the first and second times. It lasts twice as long, and once again rocks her to the core.

"That was even more amazing," she gasps, thoroughly knackered.

"I know yeah," says Tom Jones. "I told you it would be good."

"One thing though," says Cilla Black. "We've had amazing sex three times now, each more amazing than the last, and each time you've had a little sleep."

"I'm getting old, isn't it?" Explains Tom Jones.

"Yes but each time you slept I've had to hold on to your **** for dear life until you woke up. Why? Is it a sex ritual or something?"

"No," says Tom. "The last time I slept with a Scouser she nicked my wallet."

 

FAO JUD
"When two people have sex, its a twosome. When three people have sex, its a threesome. Now I know why people call you handsome."

 

Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Karl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To the bathroom to get my teeth," he replied.

 

I got thrown out of the chemists yesterday
I asked the assistant “do you take it up the arse love”
or “do you swallow”?
I still have no idea how to take these suppositories.

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

 

https://metro.co.uk/2024/06/14/brit...6/?ico=trending-module_category_health_item-6

Get ya ruler out boys to see if it's true.

 

I crossed out CMs on mine and wrote inches. My mrs thinks I have a 12 inch c0ck. Her mates are impressed when she tells em.

 

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.The next morning he reported to his father.Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****."

 

The other day I had £10 on Harry Kane at 10/1 to make 4 dribbles and score the winner!
The bet came in when he sang the National Anthem and scored the winner!
Happy days!!..

 

A man goes into an Anne Summers shop and says have you got a size 28 see through nighty.The bloke behind the counter says,why would you want to see through that.