Made me laugh

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love,
nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss?
I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a….
“ shag in Skegness"!!..

 

Well winters here again folks and our native birds will soon being finding food scarce! Be good and go to your local pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
There's no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut-sack but just remember its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow....

 

Well today marks 9 months without drinking one single drop of alcohol , and 6 months of eating fruit and veggies every day, drinking 10 glasses of water, no carbs, no red meat,and plenty of 8hr sleeps, plus at least an hour of vigorous exercise daily.
The change in my body has been fantastic! I feel great, Ive lost loads of weight and my way of thinking is very positive. I'm looking to keep this up because I choose to. No alcohol, eating healthy, lots of sleep, and exercise every day...

I haven't got a clue who's status this is, but I was so happy for them, I copied & pasted it.

 

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/FwqZ4hzhtGtU7t9Q/

 

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

 

Here's one from Tony Blackburn.

My friends have just moved into a bungalow. They were going to move into a house, but that's another story.

Boom boom.

 

Apparently, they can't show The Flintstones in Dubai, but

Abu Dhabi Doo.....

 

In Sweden a team in their women's league went the whole season unbeaten and without letting a goal in, but came second.

 

Don’t Forget Clocks Go Back This Sunday ️

#clocksgoback #turnbacktime

 

I'll never forget that first day at t'pit.

Me an' mi father worked a 72 hour shift, then wi walked home 43 mile through t'snow in us bare feet, huddled inside us clothes med out o' old sacks. Eventually we trudged over t'hill until wi could see t'street light twinklin' in our village.

Mi father smiled down at mi through t'icicles hangin' off his nose. "Nearly home now lad", he said.

We stumbled into t'house and stood there freezin' cold and tired out, shiverin' and miserable, in front o' t' meagre fire.

Any road, mi mam says "Cheer up, lads. I've got you some nice brown bread and butter for yer tea."

Ee, mi father went crackers. He reached out and gently pulled mi mam towards 'im by t'throat. "You big fat, idle ugly wart", he said. "You gret useless spawny-eyed parrot-faced wazzock." ('E had a way wi words, mi father. He'd bin to college, y'know). "You've been out playin' bingo all afternoon instead o' gettin' some proper snap ready for me an' this lad", he explained to mi poor, little, purple-faced mam. Then turnin' to me he said "Arthur", (He could never remember mi name), "here's half a crown. Nip down to t'chip 'oyl an' get us a nice piece o' 'addock for us tea. Man cannot live by bread alone."

He were a reyt tater, mi father. He said as 'ow workin' folk should have some dignity an' pride an' self respect, an' as 'ow they should come home to summat warm an' cheerful.

An' then he threw mi mam on t'fire.

We didn't 'ave no tellies or shoes or bedclothes. We med us own fun in them days.

Do you know, when I were a lad you could get a tram down into t'town, buy three new suits an' an ovvercoat, four pair o' good boots, go an' see George Formby at t'Palace Theatre, get blind drunk, 'ave some steak an' chips, bunch o' bananas an' three stone o' monkey nuts an' still 'ave change out of a farthing.

We'd lots o' things in them days they 'aven't got today - rickets, diphtheria, Hitler - and my, we did look well goin' to school wi' no backside in us trousers an' all us little 'eads painted purple because we 'ad ringworm.

They don't know they're born today!!!

 

Lying fekker. George Formby nivver did t'palace theatre.

 

Carlisle fan holding up the decapitated head of another fan.

 

One of Mike Harding’s monologues

 

Capstick surely!

 

I think you’re right, yes, but I think I’ve seen or heard Harding doing it as well. Saw them both live back in the 70s so maybe remembering it wrong