Made me laugh

Declan Rice got to meet Bobby Davro.

 

Looks more like Sting

 

Beat me to it.

 

Mr Bitt went for a interview. Gaffer said "what makes you think you are cut out for a career in window cleaning."?

 

My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday.
He was caught in a trap !

 

This is for the person who has just barged in front of me in the queue.

I'm after you now!

 

Went to the pub last week and while I was there I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was furious!

 

What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?





A Carrot....!

 

Proper made me laugh

 

Just got a job testing life-jackets out. The pay isn't great but I can just about keep my head above water.

 

Facebook eh Hi, I didn't want to ask this but I'm desperate, I've tried everything. I have 5 kids, there's me but I can't work cos I'm looking after my 14yr old daughters son. My husband can't work as he's been away for 3yrs but might be out for good behavior, he's never seen his 1yr old daughter. I'm not asking for cash, although I'll accept gift cards, I'm just after some food and maybe a few things to put a smile on my kids faces. If anyone would like to inbox me I'll give you my address and maybe you could order an online shop for me, I'll give a list of basic requirements we need. We don't mind who delivers but not Iceland, they don't sell Grey Goose. Anyone who can donate clothes would be good, Tyler needs a new balaclava as he was nearly identified on his electric motorbike, also a Gillette, he's not proud, he'd ware North face. The girls like Pandora if anyone can donate. It would be priceless to see their faces xmas morning if they woke up to PlayStation 5. My other has lost his phone, the tinker, his iPhone 16 fell out of his tracky pocket when he was throwing fireworks at firemen, boys eh, so a replacement would be good. I've tried food banks but can't get the land rover parked close enough to load it. We could do with dog stuff too as the staffys can tuck it away, but don't bother with doggy poo bags. Hopefully we'll be back on our feet soon and be able to pay you back. I'll be in after 5 I'm just getting my nails done then lips filled and picking up my son from the tattooist, he's 15 so it's his first one, getting his daughters name on his left arm. Thanks in advance. I feel so embarrassed asking.....

 

I told the doctor : “My Wife is pregnant, but we haven't
had sex in over a year. I don't understand it."
The doctor said : "It's what we in the medical profession
call a grudge pregnancy."
"What's a grudge pregnancy?" I asked?
The doctor replied : "Well, somebody's obviously had it in
for you

 

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ...
Please remember Winter is almost here and our native birds will be finding food scarce. We should all go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a cold winter morning than a pair of tits around your nuts. Just remember though - it's a bit early in the year to expect a swallow ...

 

3 Brothers all in their 90s share a house together

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."