Made me laugh

As the weather is getting colder, make sure to ask your Evri delivery driver if he'd like a hot drink. When he says yes, drop kick it over a fence into your neighbour's garden and tell him you've left it in a designated safe space.

 

Brian Clough and his wife were in bed, Mrs Clough says “God your feet are cold!”
“I’ve told you before darling, in bed you can call me Brian”.

 

Had to look her up tbf. Surprised she was 48 when she married him (67 at time) She looks half that on that photo.
Jazz singer apparently. She'd have to practice outside if mine lol.

 

His book called Saved is well worth a read. Pardon the pun but she saved him. He wasn't in a good place.

Back on topic. Genoa got The Undertaker to model their new kit, so Port Vale went and got John Cena.

 

What`s the the difference between pink and purple? The grip

 

A mate of mine said he can’t afford to pay his water rates so I sent him a get well card

 

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never ever give up ...
Many years ago my missus came a close second in the Miss Barnsley 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC Chicken Take Away. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts.
But she never stopped believing.
And then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Rotherham 2020.

 

Just nearly been knocked down by a Rotherham council snow plough. Watch where you’re going, I shouted…through gritted teeth ⛄️ ❄️ ❄️❄️

 

⚠️ SEVERE WEATHER WARNING ⚠️

Southerners: You are advised to stay inside. Do NOT travel unless absolutely necessary.

Northerners: You will just need your big coat.

 

A what !

 

.

 

Mexborough init loooool https://www.facebook.com/1000094528...DqyUnNdoRuWpgJkx9d57HnYbS4ndt6yHM2ddnbpEbKl/?

 

As the severe winter weather approaches the government has advised to always carry the following when travelling..

A big coat
A torch
A large bag of salt
A spade
De-icer
An A-Z map
A car phone charger
Hat, scarf and gloves
A high visibility jacket
Emergency rations
And a warning triangle

I felt like a right idiot on the number 218 bus this morning

 

After being married for forty six years, a Wath wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... Then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down. The doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles!!..

 

Not looking for sympathy.

Most of you won’t know this but myself and Michelle over the last month, have had the hardest month we've ever had.

It's been one of the most difficult times of our relationship.

Some days have been harder than others and many tears have flowed and many nights we've sat and talked and some hard decisions have had to be made.

Sadly after a long period of soul searching we have decided with great pain that the end has come.

We can't continue any longer with the way things are, it’s not a decision we have taken lightly but it's been born out of necessity.

Something had to change.

So it’s with great sadness that I announce after so many months of struggling and fighting the inevitable that michelle and I have decided to put the central heating on.

 

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Rachel Reeves' recent budget announcement.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Local strip club has gone t*ts up,Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno-rod has gone down the drain. The saddest one though is the ice cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn’t take it any more and topped himself.

 

Got myself a real Christmas tree.
Now my living room carpet resembles Celtic Park.

Full of wee green pricks.

 

I’m not going to lie, I thought the punchline was going to be…buy a season ticket