Made me laugh

I went to the doctor and he told me "don't eat anything fatty".
I said " what, like bacon or pizza?"
He said, " no fatty, don't eat anything".

 

Did your here about the Lion Tamer who wasn’t very good?

His name was Claude Bottom.

He went bankrupt and had everything taken way.

But he still had his pride.

 

Just to let everyone know we have decided not to send Christmas cards.
Including postage, we normally spend around £50 on cards each year and generally the cards just end up in the bin and subsequently in landfill. This is obviously a dreadful waste and ecologically unsound.
To counter this waste we have decided to take the £50 to Tesco and swap it for Wine and Gin massively reducing our ability to give a **** what anyone else thinks!!!!
We’re sure you'll support us in this utterly selfless act.
Merry Christmas

 

My Christmas lights have stopped working.....No they haven't.
Yes they have.
No they haven't.
Yes they have.
No they haven't.
Yes they have.

 

Noddy Holder was caught having a snack in class.
His teacher let out a roar, "HOLDER, WHAT ARE YOU EATING??"
He shouted back, "IT'S CRISPS MISS!"

 

Sounds like they are faulty. Have you got the receipt?

 

Yeah right Gary Delaney lol, believe me that has been quoted on here before (although he said pies and chips instead).

 

Here's Boycie (the late John Challis) at his absolute best here with Del boy.
Apparently they kept stopping for laughing too much lol, and he needed so many takes to get this 'Louis Armstrong' speech right.

 

My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently.

 

Something festive.

 

May well have been done before but just saw it and it tickled me…

 

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.........
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

 

It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" , said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." , replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL !!!

 

Always ask permission.

 

Interesting day at Milton. First they forget their socks and then a spectator shows just how easy it is to get a game called off.

 

Hey we had a bad Johnson as well remember lol...
His name was/is Lee, and he needed a little crappy wooden box to stand on.