Made me laugh

I'm fuming been sat in A & E for over 5 hours after my idiot mate threw camouflage paint over me.
Nobody's seen me yet

 

https://www.facebook.com/share/3c7VkAkDZareZxqC/

Wednesday fans love Farage enough to put him on their flag.

 

Need to get a soundbar for my tv. Just watching Heroes of Telemark and all the the german soldiers are saluting Luke Littler

 

Recently bought a small, red, talking root vegetable!! Thought I might try my luck on Britain's got talent but when I got home it had developed a sore throat. It was a hoarse radish.

 

When I was in Sweden, I needed some deodorant and went to the Pharmacy.

I was asked "aerosol or ball?"

I said "No, for under my arms."

 

one from SOTS listener this morning.

Police have reported a lorry full of carrots, turnips and parsnips has shed it's load on the M1.

They said motorists should consider other roots.

 

What a beautiful day for dashing down to Trafalgar Square, chucking a bucket of whitewash over the pigeons and saying there you are, how do you like it?

 

. I told the doctor, every time I bend down I see Mickey Mouse yet every time I stand up I see Donald Duck. So he said how long have you been having these Disney spells?

 

Nobody wanted me as a child . My mother had to tie a pork chop round my neck to get the dog to play with me.

 

A bloke from barnsley came out of his local pub . Across the road was a brothel . He looked in his wallet and had enough money so he crossed the road .
Being rather intoxicated, he staggered diagonally across and went through the wrong door, and into the Chiropody clinic next door .
He went to the girl in reception and said how much is it for the full treatment ?
She replied sir it is 25 pounds .
He said 25 Quid ? Blimey that's not bad ! ...
She smiled at him and said OK sir if you go in and take them out She'll be in in a moment to deal with you .
Two minutes later a young female chiropodist walked into the room and there was the guy with his genitlia on the table waiting .
Hey ! she yelled !
That isn't a FOOT .
He looked at her and said Bloody Hell Lass GIVE IT TIME!!..

 

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it when we make love,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

What were you thinking ……..

 

lol

 

A 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,
"He's pissing in the fridge again!"

 

This mornings new signing☃️

 

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days. This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day". The gobby German trucker says, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?" After taking a long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replies..........
"A LANCASTER BOMBER!!..

 

Patron saint of the email is Francis of a Cc.