Here's one from Mick Miller: Did you hear about the dyslexic Yorkshireman? He was wearing a cat flap.
Morning all…. I'm at the hospital with my mate Terry. He thinks he's a chocolate orange. I think he's going to be sectioned...
A man told the doctor : "My wife's pregnant, but we haven't had sex in over a year. I don't understand it." The doctor said : "It's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy." "What's a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man. The doctor replied : "Well, somebody's obviously had it in for you
A German midget jumped into Wath lake yesterday to save my dog who was drowning... After he climbed out and gave me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog, keep him warm,dry him off and he vil be fine"... I said to him, "Are you a little vet"...? He replied, "A little vet I'm bleeding soaked"...
I've just played "I'm not in love" by 10cc eight times in a row. It's just a silly phase I'm going through...
Breaking news: historians believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that once belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson said, "They're so badly chewed on the ends, we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B."
I was talking to a zoo vet recently, and he told me about all the different species he'd treated. In the interests of animal welfare he said they rarely used anaesthetic, the one exception was the grizzlies, I asked why....... He said "there's safety in numb bears"....
Truly awful job but somebody's got to do it. https://www.theguardian.com/thefilter/2025/feb/23/best-vibrators-bullet-rabbit-wand
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis. I replied, "That's 15 love."