Made me laugh

Pretty tame for Modern Toss but it did give me the lols...

 

Caesar knife block...

 

3 boys are talking in the playground.
The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world."
"How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies.
"That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!
" That's **** all sez the 3rd boy, "Mi fatha works for Barnsley Council, he finishes at half 4 and he's in the house for 2."

 

Did you hear about the Peruvian baker who dropped a massive minced beef,swede,onion and potato pie on his foot?
He's now claiming --Inca Pastie Benefit!!..

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

 

I'm an agnostic dyslexic insomniac
I lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog

 

I was thinking about joining the local debating society but one of the members talked me out of it.

 

I once flew with the old airline TWA
The airhostess, such a lovely woman and very attractive asked, would you like some free TWA coffee, to enhance your experience of flying with us sir.
I replied, that's a wonderful gesture, but it would be more memorable if you'd asked if i wanted Tea

 

How does The Rock pee?
He Dwayne’s his Johnson

 

3 boys are talking in the playground.
The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world."
"How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies.
"That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!
" That's bugger all sez the 3rd boy, "Mi fatha works for Barnsley Council, he finishes at half 4 and he's in the bleeding house for 2."

 

Old lady in a lift at the Trafford Centre when two footballers wives enter, the door closes and one wife raises her wrist to the other wife and says, ''Chanel No 5 £80 Selfridges.'' The other wife does the same and says, ''Gucci £90 House of Frazer.'' The old lady lifts one leg and farts and says, ''Sprouts 99p Morrisons!''

 

Ar lass is allus saying
"Find Mike litoris"
Fekk knows where he is. She ends up getting frustrated n'all. When I can't find him.

 

A bloke went to see his psychiatrist. 'Doctor, I think I've turned into a dog.'
'Well lie down on the couch and we'll have a chat'
'I'm not allowed on the couch.'

 

APPARENTLY INDIAN FIGHTER PILOTS HAVE JUST DROPPED 1000 ONION BHAJIS AND 500 PAKORAS ON PAKISTAN.............THEY SAID THAT WAS JUST FOR STARTERS !!

 

An unmarried Wath man changed his Facebook status to “Unmarried.......wife wanted” 2 girls liked it. And 140 men replied “Take mine!!!!”

 

My neighbour was complaining to me about her daughter.
"She just won't eat fish...even though I explain how healthy it is for her...what can I use as a replacement?"
"A cat..I told her, they love fish"

 

So true lol.