Made me laugh

Margaret Thatcher dies and turns up at the Pearly Gates. “Not you” says St Peter, you’re not coming in after what you did to my football team’s town. Go to hell”.
Two weeks later the devil turns up at the Gates. “What’s up?” says Peter.
“Can you please take Margaret Thatcher?” says Nick “She’s only been here a fortnight and she’s shut down two of my furnaces”.

 

Just been out for a Chicken Tarka,it’s a bit like Chicken Tikka but a little otter

 

Adam Ant walks into the rovers return coronation st .and sees old Stan Ogden and they both ended up boozing all day Adam Ant is on the whiskeys and all of a sudden he screams out in pain clutching his belly ..old Stan says "what's up Adam ? ..and Adam Ants screams " Stan it's me Liver!!..

 

If #Oasis were Yorkshire.

- Breadcake With It?
(Roll With It)
- Dunt look back all Pissed Off
(Don't Look Back In Anger)
- Pint of Tetley Supernova
(Champagne Supernova
- B'reyt
(Whatever)
- Talkin ******
(Some Might Say)
- Put Kettle On
(The Masterplan)

 

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Barnsley and sees card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.
The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies."Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"There's a starting annual salary of £85,000,.....................but you're going to have to go to Plymouth.."
"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.
"No," replied the assistant, "That's where the end of the queue is."..

 

The James Bond films are being remade in Barnsley . So far they have filmed
Live an’ let dee
Doctor Nowt
Tha only lives twice, Thannuz
Coylfinger
Golden Aye
Spy who came in arta cowd
Gala Bingo Royale
For your pies only
Diamonds are ARR FUUCKKIN MUCH!!!

 

Heres Jimmy Carr, roasting the hell out of the celebs.

 

Over the last few days I submitted 10 puns to a joke competition.

I was hoping that one of them would win but no pun in ten did.

 

I once went out with a girl and broke up with her because she wouldn’t stop counting. I wonder what she’s up to now.

 

Bradford City third kit announced

 

Brill. I'd have one of them if I was a Bantom.

 

Kin hell ive seen it all now.
If you spend more than £15 at Cafe Naz you get a free CD. What a load of ******;
Track 1, Popadom Preach
2, Stand By Your Naan
3, How Am i Samosa Live Without You
4, You Cant Curry Love
5, Lip Up Chapatti
6, Korma Chamelion
7, Tears On My Pilau
8,Tikka Chance On Me.

 

Took My Missis to Blackpool for the day. we we're looking at the clothes shops when she noticed a fur coat, got to be honest it was lovely so I thought I'll buy it for her I asked the assistant how much? £1000 she said I said it's expensive init. she then told me it was made from Hamster fur so can you imagine all the hours that went into making it. so I bought it. she put it on and we then made our way to the funfair, it took me 3 feckin hours to get her off the big wheel